Body Image and Girls: What Parents Can Do to Support Their Daughters

by Dr. Tim Jordan

I recently taught a weekend retreat for Middle School girls, and was impressed with the amount of pressure they were under. Dr. Stephen Hinshaw, in his new book “The Triple Bind”, describes three challenges facing teen girls today: Be good at all the traditional girl stuff; be good at most of the traditional guy stuff; and conform to a narrow, unrealistic set of standards that allows for no alternative. My middle school girls shared a lot about how these challenges play out for them in every day life.

One challenge they face is body image issues; loving and accepting the way you look. This involves their height, weight, size of their breasts and bottoms, complexion, hair color and style, and overall attractiveness to guys. Most of them are so self conscious about their bodies, and constantly compare themselves negatively to peers and women in the media and it’s no wonder.

Back in 1951, Miss Sweden won the Miss Universe contest. She was 5’7” and weighed 151 lbs. In 1983 another Miss Sweden won the same contest, but she was 5’9” and weighed 109 lbs. There was a huge shift in the 60’s about what defined beauty; Marilyn Monroe was out and Twiggy was in. Today’s average woman at 5’4” and 145 lbs has an impossible task to measure up to the average model who comes in at 5’10” and 110 lbs. And young girls feel this pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations.

We can harp all day long about the effects of media and culture; early sexualization, mass marketing to young people, unhealthy and unrealistic images of beauty. But of far greater influence we need look no further than your home.

I challenge every mom reading this to imagine that your daughter shadows you for an entire day, writing down all that you say and do in regards to body image. What would you want her to see and hear? What would she observe? When I asked the middle school girls on parent day how many of them had heard their mother’s talk negatively about their bodies, every one of their hands shot up.

So with my limited space left here let me throw out a few suggestions about how to support your pre-teen and teen daughters with their body image challenges. First, encourage them to develop some creative outlets, whether that is journaling or writing poetry; writing or playing music, drawing, etc. These outlets help girls to self quiet and then check in with themselves and reflect on who they are and what they want. It also allows healthy outlets for all of their feelings, which they have in multitude.

Girls also need their parents, and in particular their dad, to affirm all parts of themselves, i.e. their energy, wisdom, perseverance, common sense, etc. And to talk about their bodies more in terms of function vs. looks. How often do you hear comments from adults to girls be primarily about how cute they look or about their outfits?

Girls need to see their mom’s model taking good care of themselves, have positive self talk about their bodies, and to be content with who they are. Stop talking about weight and dieting and focus on healthy nutrition and exercise.

The middle school girls at my retreat loved talking about these issues openly with their peers. So many teen girls think they are the only ones who are struggling with self acceptance and insecurities. They need safe places to talk and vent and get information to help them work through these issues. I want them to feel safe to talk to their parents about their feelings and what’s on their minds. Learn to be a non-judgmental listener.

Finally, it helps if girls can find a passion that they can pour their heart and soul into; some kind of project or cause with a higher purpose than looking good or being popular. A lot of feelings of competence and fulfillment come from being of service and making a difference.

It’s a weight issue (ha!), but there is much we can do to support teen girls in overcoming cultural pressures about how they should look.

Tim Jordan, M.D. © 2009. All rights reserved.