Dating in today’s generation is quite complicated compared to the previous generation. In this episode, pull back the curtain and listen in as four teen girls openly discuss the ins and outs of today’s dating scene among high school students. They also provide their insights into how relationships seem so difficult for today’s generation. Take a peek into how today’s generation dates. Tune in to this insightful episode with these young women today.
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High School Girls Discuss Today’s Dating Scene
I have a treat for you in this episode. I have four young women here in my office. They are all in high school, a senior, a senior, a junior, and a junior. I asked them to come to talk about the dating scene in high school. How many of you share everything with your parents about your dating exploits?
No.
That’s probably true for a lot of you, parents, who are reading. Sometimes your daughters may not share with you a lot so you may wonder what’s going on. I thought these four women could very candidly and openly talk about what’s going on with them personally and also with the people around them so you have a better sense of what your daughters are up to and/or raise some points you can talk to your daughter about. In a general way, what is the dating scene like? What does it look like?
Chaotic. It’s not like dating. It’s more of like you talk for a week, get to know each other, and then you’re in a relationship or it’s just you move on. It’s all over the place, I feel like.
Is that what you mean by chaotic?
Yes.
How do you know when it starts and when it ends? What tells you, “Now we progress to the level of dating?”
I don’t know. I feel like a serious conversation about it with the person you’re talking to. It is making it official or whatever with them, like having a conversation with them about it. A lot of times, everybody is talking with someone. No one ever says they’re dating.
Or like in a relationship. They’re like, “We’re just talking like it’s nothing.”
One of my friends was talking with her boyfriend and he never officially asked her to be his girlfriend but they’ve been dating for a year and a half. I don’t know. She was like, “Am I your girlfriend,” four months into the relationship and he was like, “Yes.”
I feel like that’s how it is everywhere so everybody thinks like it.
Do you go to some guy and say, “Are we dating?” Do girls do that regularly?
No, I just thought about it. I just said something.
Like her friend, you said, “Bob.” Is it like that for a lot of girls?
Yes, because some people get so angry about waiting.
They don’t want commitment.
The ask to be the girlfriend is a big build-up thing.
Is it true that sometimes other people are talking more about the couple than the couple talks about the couple? Do people say you guys are dating?
Yes, and that makes it more complicated because a lot of times, people are afraid of commitment. I feel like that’s why they say they’re not dating. Boys and girls.
Mainly boys, I feel like. At least at my school with many guys. Girls are scared of it but guys don’t fully understand it so they don’t know what to do about it.
What are you or they afraid of?
The commitment of being in the relationship.
Meaning what?
Having to deal with all that emotion.
Also, the priority and responsibility of talking and dating only one person because a lot of guys tend to be players and talk to eight girls at a time.
A lot of girls are like that too.
The point of fear is the freedom to have lots of people.
It’s 50/50 for both, guys and girls.
Do you feel like boys are a little bit more afraid of the commitment part of it?
They are oblivious to it half the time. They assume that you both know what’s going on and you’re on the same page like you’re in a relationship or not when the girl can be like, “What’s going on? Are you talking to other girls?” It could be the same for a guy like, “Are you talking to different guys?” I don’t know. Some of my friends are like, “Yes, I’m talking to four guys now,” and then you see which one you like best for the conversations. That’s weird but that’s what a lot of people do.
Once you get to the, “We’re dating now,” is there another separate conversation about, “Are we exclusive or not?”
It’s not just the conversation. It’s the actions and words that you show. I don’t know how to explain it.
It’s like a silent agreement.
That seems, to me, that it might lend itself to more ambiguity and, therefore, more upset because people may say, “I didn’t know we’re exclusive.”
Dating is so much more complicated now than it should be. That’s what I think. A lot of times, it’s so much more complex than it needs to be because it’s all beating around.
Dating is so much more complicated now than it should be. It's so much more complex than it needs to be. Click To TweetIt looks like other people make it their business. It’s not though.
Talk more about what’s complicated.
It’s a lot of the whole thing of, “We’re kind of dating but we’re not dating. I guess we’re dating.” They don’t want to say that they’re dating so they can still have the freedom.
“We went on a date but we’re not dating.”
It happened with one of my friends. She’ll be talking to a guy and they’ll have a whole conversation about a relationship and what they want from it but then the guy won’t be committed but she’ll be fully committed to one person.
There’s not enough communication.
That was my next comment. It sounds like people are not communicating.
If there’s communication, it’d be fine but there’s no communication. It’s talking to other people, not the person you’re with. Girls will talk to their friends or guys about it but they don’t talk to each other about it.
How much of that happens? Who is to blame? Some of it is online talking.
I think a lot because it’s so easy to talk to multiple people and they do not even know you’re talking to most of the people. There’s always something in the back of your mind that’s like, “What if I’m just one of the many girls he’s talking to?” There’s nothing you can do to secure that unless you talk to your friends. They might know that he’s talking to this girl and he’s also talking to you so you’ve got to figure out stuff to do with the relationship through other people, not only with the person you’re in a relationship with.
I know it’s complicated.
That’s another complication, it sounds like. There are more voices. I guess that couldn’t happen with no devices 100 years ago. Like everything else, it adds another layer of possible miscommunication. Does it set you guys up for more jealousy because you see him talking to someone or someone says he’s talking to someone and someone sends you a picture of him with someone at a party, that kind of thing?
I get jealous, to be honest.
Is it because you’re seeing snippets? Are you hearing or seeing things online?
It’s how people will make it out to see when it’s not like that. It’s like how we’re saying other people have a lot of influence on the relationship when they shouldn’t. If someone says something, everybody’s mind goes, “That’s true.” It’s like if somebody were to say that my boyfriend was talking to another girl or something along that line. I’m guilty of it. A lot of people accuse them of doing that. They hear it. There’s no talking to your partner first. It’s just listening to what other people are saying.
You believe everybody else besides your partner.
Things get taken out of proportion and context. He’s seen talking with someone else and they tell you that and you’re like, “I didn’t think that.” Maybe, I don’t know.
They put ideas in your head. They put misleading information.
It causes a wall between you and your partner.
Good thing girls don’t ruminate. It might get a lot worse. It may sound like a dumb question but what is a typical date look like? Back in my day, we had dances every weekend at some school so you go with your date. We go to movies and stuff. I’m curious about what dates look like now.
They’re all over the place. It is different for every person.
I wouldn’t even call them dates. I’d call them more like hangouts because you hang out with the person. They go to my place and that’s like a date with a guy or even a girl.
Usually, you would think that the longer the relationship, the less nice dates are as you go. I feel like that’s what I would think.
Less nice?
Yes, like less effort put into it. It’s more casual like going to each other’s house but I feel like the longer I’ve been dating my boyfriend, the better the days get because we will go out to eat or something like that.
Even dating for a year and a half. I’m curious. What else do people do besides hanging out?
I feel like a lot of times, dates aren’t a thing anymore. Going to a dance would never be considered a date in my opinion. If your boyfriend takes you to a dance, that’s not a date. It could be anything from bowling to going to get food, going into a grocery store together, or going to the mall.
People go to the mall to walk around and call that a date.
I know the answer is everywhere but in general, how long did most of those dating relationships last in high school? Is it usually short?
Five months is good.
I thought it was less than that.
3 to 5. For freshman and sophomore year, 3 months, and then junior to senior, 5 months for the short relationships.
Are you guys all juniors and seniors?
What percentage of women in your classes, like your grade, have a boyfriend of at least 3 to 5 months would you guess? Ten percent? Half? Third?
Twenty. I have a big school too.
It’s like 15%.
I would say 8%. Mine is smaller.
You guys are probably sisters. Have you been to school together for a long time?
I never thought of it like that. I don’t know how to answer you.
You’re saying it’s not that many. Is that true for your school as well? Maybe 1 out of 5 or less.
At least for my grade, a lot because a lot of people in my grade go to a Catholic school so they’ve been with each other since elementary school. I’ll hear somebody who dated someone for five months and then moved on to another girl at the same grade a week later and dated them for three months. I feel like they’re constantly shifting and moving but it’s for a long period. 3 or 5 months is pretty long because that’s close to half a year. At least for a school year, you get ten months. To date, half of the school year is a lot.
You’re saying people in your experience buff around more.
Yes.
How do people break up?
Usually, if someone is cheated or they don’t want the commitment or relationship, I feel like it’s never differences or arguments anymore. It’s just they don’t want it or they’re cheating on them.
It can be petty jealousy. It can be like they heard something and they’ve been hearing so many things.
That causes the wall between them.
It’ll cause an argument and then it causes the breakup.
Nobody’s willing to compromise on anything so little things become big things when you’re our age and then people give up.
Ghosting is so easy. One of my friends talked to somebody for five months. They weren’t even dating. They weren’t exclusive but then he goes to her out of the blue randomly. She took that as a loss of a relationship but technically, they were never dating.
They were talking.
It wasn’t official so it can’t be a break up. To not talk to them is so easy.
That’s another reason why there’s no commitment like you’re talking with someone because then that happens. If someone does not want to date you or you’ve been together with them, like you said with your friend, like four months and you’re not officially dating, to me, that’s a little red flag right there.
If you've been together for months but are not officially dating, that's a little red flag. Click To TweetIt’s easier to move on.
You’re saying that and it gives me weird vibes. You don’t want the commitment.
If you wanted this, then you’d be official or you are serious about this and not all the stupid petty drama where you talk to other people and no communication between us.
I hear stories about the relationships. There is a lot of arguing. There’s fighting or miscommunication stuff. I say to girls oftentimes that if you’re 17 or 18 years of age and your 4-month relationship is hard, what do I always say? Leave. It shouldn’t be that hard. I know it’s not perfect but it should be more fun than grueling, keeping you up at night, you’re constantly stressed out, or you’re constantly checking your phone because he’s talking to other people.
If you’re that stressed out, there’s no point.
For a lot of people, long distance doesn’t work but then there are the few that long distance does. Those long-distance distance couples that work have great communication. They trust each other. They talk about everything.
It is hard. My boyfriend and I are long-distance now because he’s in college so he’s a couple of hours away. We realized that we don’t communicate as much as we thought we did but we’re getting better. Communication is the key to the beginning of relationships.
Communication is the key to a relationship. Click To TweetYou said at the beginning that you get jealous. Does it have something to do with the fact?
No, because honestly, he goes over the top. He’s the kind of guy that won’t talk to girls. He won’t look at them if they talk to him. He tells them F off. I’m lucky when it comes to that but it’s other stuff.
This may sound like an odd question but why do they get out of other relationships? Why do they want to date somebody in high school?
Maybe just the feeling of belongingness and having someone close to you. A lot of times, friendships in high schools are messy. I’ve never had a true, not messy friend group.
I also feel like a lot of girls want to experiment with different situations with guys. I know several girls who will be talking with two different guys but doing different things and wanting different things from them to experience it. It’s to see if it’s something that they either want or it’s something that they like, I don’t know.
Is that the reason why you guys think many girls might want to be in a relationship or why they get out of it?
Being loved is always a good thing. When you find somebody who likes you and thinks you’re pretty, you don’t have to worry about other people thinking you’re pretty.
It’s a reassurance for yourself and it feels good.
I also think that you can get validation from yourself and friends but there’s also a different thing of male validation stuff, which is a different thing that you don’t get from yourself and your friends.
I’m not criticizing that. I get it. I’m also wondering. Does it become too dependency on that, like you need it?
Yes, I feel like that’s it.
Talk more about that.
One of my friends talked to seven guys in 2023. She expects too much and then moves on to the next guy. It’s just high standards and if they don’t meet her standards, she will say, “This isn’t working. I’m sorry,” and then move on.
With dating, every partner you have gets better as it goes along. I feel like your standards rise every time you break up with someone.
You’ve learned.
I feel like that’s also important, those dates in high school. If you don’t date anyone in high school and you go off to college and then date somebody, then you’re scared. You’re like, “I don’t know what to do.”
That’s what I meant by experiment, testing the waters in high schools where you’re getting ready for the future.
Like trial and error.
If the three of you are not dating anybody now, I’m curious, do you ever feel behind that you don’t have a boyfriend?
Sometimes yes because my friend will talk about this guy that she’s talking to and I’m like, “Your eighth guy, that must be nice.”
A lot of times, I feel like the reason why they don’t last is because of the rush. Like with my boyfriend, I wasn’t looking for anybody. I didn’t want to be with anybody. I had a toxic relationship before this and I did not want to be with anybody and it just came out of nowhere. They come when you least expect it. It’s because if you’re looking for something, it never goes well. You want to grab the first thing you can find.
You said you feel behind too sometimes.
Yes. I feel like guys expect you to know how to do everything sexual but never have experienced it. When you get to college, they expect you to do things and be good at doing things. Whenever you don’t have that experience in high school, it’s like you’re going to be behind further on in life. I feel like a lot of people date and do a lot of sexual things. When you get to college and you haven’t done that, you’re weird. It’s embarrassing.
They may feel like that could be a deal breaker. That’s where your fears are. If they find out that you’re so innocent and inexperienced, that might be a deal breaker.
It’s like a contradiction in your mind because you don’t want to lower yourself to any standards but then you also want to have that.
If you’ve done it before, then you’re a whore.
Every guy is different. Some guys want you to have that experience and some guys want to be your first.
It’s very rare but some guys don’t mind if you haven’t done anything but I feel like that’s almost rare to find because a lot of guys expect you to.
Even if they do, they won’t say that to their friends and stuff because that is also embarrassing for guys to admit that.
It’s such a mixed message. Here we are in 2023. Even though people are more open and there are more experiences and sexual experiences, that’s okay and maybe even expected like, “I should. I need to,” or something but still, there is this judgment that girls who do it are sluts. How is that communicated? Is it just looks? Is it reputation? Is it gossip?
Words. They will straight out say it.
At least at my school, it’s based off of how a girl looks. Also, how she dresses.
They’ll say rumors too. You have not even done anything and there are rumors around.
That happened to me in seventh grade because I didn’t like this guy back. Everybody that I told to told him it wasn’t true. I don’t know. It’s stupid little rumors like that.
I talked to a lot of girls at my counseling practice. After a breakup, their ex or ex’s new girlfriend will spread rumors about that girl’s sexual things and then everybody believes that. People wanted to believe the story because if they’re part of all that stuff, then people’s reputations get tarnished.
At my school, a lot of people know girls or guys with whom they slept. If I were to mention someone’s name, they’re like, “They slept with this and that.” That’s how you know who they are.
I’ll ask a question. How prevalent are people hooking up, dates, or going to a party?
That’s every day. I don’t mean to call one of my friends out but she has 15 different people and she’s 15 or 16. It’s sad that people give themselves away like that. It is their choice to do that but I feel like you would have more respect for yourself.
It’s disappointing to see people do that to themselves sometimes.
I don’t think they realize their worth.
My friends are like that, too. This guy handed her bag and she’s like, “I have to go see him.” I was like, “You’re worth more than that. Don’t give him your energy.” She’s like, “He’s texting me.” I feel like your worth is worth more than a guy’s attention.
Your worth is worth more than a guy's attention. Click To TweetI’m going to say this and tell me if I heard it right. Part of what you’re saying is a lot of people do it. Everybody does it. It’s very common for every party. I didn’t say everybody but it’s very common. Lots of people think it’s no big deal. I also heard you say that it is a deal at some level. Is that true or not true? Talk about that part.
People talk about it at the party.
For me at least, I’ve regretted doing it with someone because I wish I didn’t give that away to them. I didn’t have a truly strong relationship with them.
What’s the judgment? There’s a part of the culture saying, “No big deal. Everybody does it. There’s no more shame with it.” There’s that energy everywhere but then you’re saying it still has some meaning.
Yes, it has meaning to me. I want it to be with a special someone. I don’t want to just go around and give that to everybody. I want it to be special.
I feel like it’s a very vulnerable thing to give away because you have to be vulnerable in that situation yourself too, especially if you’ve never done it before.
It can mean more to different people. Some people think of it more as something to do to have fun or please themselves, and then other people think more of it to place somebody else and love someone else. It’s all over the place. It’s all along that line and people think of it in different ways.
For hooking up, you get praise and judgment. It depends on who you talk to. Somebody can be like, “Really? Did you hook up with this guy? Good for you. Great job.” The guy will go to his friends and be like, “I hooked up with this girl,” but then other people will say, “I can’t believe you did that.” It depends on where your values are. Everybody can switch up so easily on how they like you or dislike you based on what you’ve done.
How will you know it’s the time? I hear you saying there are still some feelings that surround us, not just whatever in general. How do you know?
You don’t.
Is it in the moment?
Yes, because at the moment, you can think, “I want to do this,” and then later, you’re like, “What was I thinking?” I feel like it’s such an emotional thing that emotions are all over the place. There’s no right mindset.
That’s the scariest thing I’ve heard in the conversation.
It is to be in a vulnerable state.
The number one thing with that is trust for the other person. A lot of times with hooking up, you don’t know that person so the trust is not there. That’s where a lot of regret comes from too because you don’t know who they are and then you find out.
I would guess that a lot of who people hook up with is someone they know. They may not be best friends but there’s somebody from their school in general. It’s the saddest thing I’ve heard or the scariest thing. In that moment, it is about emotion. Sometimes, that’s not your best friend in that moment in that kind of decision, plus it isn’t you. For some people who’ve been drinking, smoking, or not with it, they’re more vulnerable. They’re also not thinking clearly. They’re going by some impulse and that’s why perhaps they regret it.
It’s an impulsive thing that can be done.
Especially if you’re under the influence of whatever in the moment.
What’s the answer to that, young ladies?
Say no to drugs.
Have you ever taken some time when you’re at home alone with nothing going on where you sit down and have a conversation with yourself? It says, “What do I want? What’s right for me? I don’t want to make this decision in the heat of the moment when I’m not my best self and carried away by some emotion in a moment.” Have you had those times when you sit down? You create your boundaries then so that you don’t have to make a decision at that moment or already made it.
If you’re in a relationship with somebody or not because I feel like the other person and who they are have something in that and the level of trust that you have with them so far, I don’t know if that makes sense.
The trusting makes sense to me but as long as you’re still making decisions based on, “What’s right for me,” as opposed to him.
Timelines and things can be different based on different people, how quickly you trust them, and how you connect with them.
Are some of you would think about doing is having some time where you think about, “What are my boundaries so I don’t have to make that choice on a Saturday night at midnight?”
My boyfriend and I even had conversations about what our boundaries are.
You’ve been in relation for a few years. That trust hopefully ought to be a lot of series of conversations that you have along the way at each step, I hope. It is a mutual thing where you’re ready.
We’re having issues with that, like how much intimacy we want in a relationship. I feel like somebody ever wants it a lot or they wanted a little bit. It’s all over the place. It’s hard communicating that for the other one to understand what you want without it sounding like you want it just for that or not attracted to them at all. It’s like a subject that you take one way because it’s so emotional but it’s hard to meet a middle ground with that.
I’m shifting gears. Thank you for that. What percentage of girls in your experience have had a bad experience with guys who had their boundaries crossed?
A lot, at least 70%.
You guys immediately had a response. What are you talking about? I don’t want to assume.
It’s going too far when they’re not ready. They don’t create their boundaries so then things can get miscommunicated. The guy thinks they want to do this but the girl doesn’t and then she’s got to speak up for herself but you don’t want to push them off because you don’t want to make it seem like you don’t love them or not attracted to them. You don’t want to do it so then it’s like, “How do I convey my message of I love you but I’m not ready for it?”
I’ve had issues in the past with guys so I want to take it slow and start fresh because the trust, I feel like for a lot of girls, is broken so easily. It’s so easy to break someone’s trust so then it’s hard to find that again even with somebody new.
You’re saying that the majority of women your age have had a bad experience or have pushed their boundaries too far and they give more than they wanted. Is that what you’re saying?
Yes.
Do you girls talk about that?
Some do. It depends. For my friends, depending on how comfortable they are, they’ll tell me about it because they don’t know what else to do. Other than that, I feel like a lot of girls keep it to themselves because sometimes if they say something, people will take it as like, “They’re a whore,” type of thing. It’ll go back to that.
I feel like it happens so much that people think they’re lying about it because a lot of people have been through it. It’s not believed.
There’s also an aspect of some girls sharing it with other girls so that doesn’t happen again where some guy who used to be with someone will try something with their friend. They’re not forced to tell them but they feel obligated to tell them so that they don’t get hurt by the same person.
On a related topic, how often do boys push for nudes?
A lot. It’s not all guys, not as common as you think. It’s more in person that guys are pushy.
I feel like it’s always random people that ask for it. I’ve had people on Snapchat that I don’t even know and they’ll be like, “Nudes.” I’m like, “Who are you?” It’s a twenty-year-old man posing as a teenager and says, “Send.” I was like, “Send who? What are you talking about?” There are Snapchat stories that are like, “Send?” When I see that, I block the person because I either know them or I don’t know them.
You don’t want to know them.
For me, they discuss it more when I do know the person and I see that stuff or I hear people are getting asked out by that person.
Have you all been asked?
Yes.
Is it hard to resist? I’ve heard a lot of girls say the boys don’t let go of it but the boys are pushy. Several girls get worn down.
A lot of guys do it but if somebody does it to me, I block them.
I block them before they have the chance to wear me down. It’s not my first time. I feel like I understand that if you’re talking with someone, you’re in that talking stage, and they pressure you into sending it whether you are in a relationship.
Where is it?
Online. They’ll text you and be like, “Come on. We’re this close. You’re so attractive.” In my experience, it’s some random 30-year-old man I’ve never even seen in my life. It’s so much easier to block those numbers than say no to people that you’re in that talking stage.
I don’t have any guys on Snap except for my boyfriend.
Would you agree that many girls are vulnerable because they’re “needy” for attention? They want people to find them attractive and they feel lonely.
They don’t know what the next step is so they do whatever to get that.
Hoping that it’ll lead to it.
Unfortunately, I let it happen to me when I was on a talking stage. I guess I wanted him to me so much so I did it but I regret it a lot, especially because I know how much of a bad person he was but I was wanting the attention and that validation from my guy.
Your generation, to me, is so tech-savvy. I might talk to girls all the time. It still surprised me that so many girls do send, knowing that it could go everywhere and oftentimes does. True or not true?
True.
Yet they still do it. It blows my mind. At that moment, I guess they’re so vulnerable that they’re willing to do it.
It’s also like guys send them without girls knowing.
It’s something you didn’t want to see and then you’re forced to see it because you thought that was going to be something different.
It’s because you’re not expecting to open it and see that. You’re expecting different because you see a ceiling, half their face, their car, or something but then it’s something else and it’s like, “Buddy, calm down.”
Do boys send stuff as much as girls?
I feel like they’re sending more.
Also, it’s not asked for.
Guys ask girls and are pressured into it.
Yes, but I feel like guys put the pressure on girls and guys do it for ego inflation. They want to be like, “Look at this guy.”
A lot of times, guys pressure girls a lot. There are also some girls who do pressure guys but it’s more guys pressuring girls. It’s going to be both ways. Girls do it too but it’s more with guys.
Do you worry about relationships at the next level or being pushed more at the next level with older guys? I’m curious. Is that a worry for you?
That’s what I feel like. You have to have at least some level of experience in high school.
I’d be scared of losing that relationship because I don’t know what to do in that situation. I don’t want to lose someone who could be a potential that I could love and cherish because I don’t know what to do.
I don’t like hearing that because I know you guys. I know how socially and emotionally intelligent you are. I read research that says that people don’t date in high school who feel behind like what you’re saying. When people look at those people down the road, they are healthier. They didn’t lose out on anything. They didn’t miss out. There’s some fun. I’m not saying you should never date but it wasn’t like they were screwed and they had a crummy relationship. They were healthier. If you find someone in college and you haven’t dated someone in that 3, 4, or 5-month thing, you’ll be older. Hopefully, you have communication skills.
It’s not like there’s a lesson plan that’s going to be true for every guy you date. Every step of the way, you have to communicate it. They could have those skills. It seems like they’ll be okay. I don’t know if you have to have lots of experience. I don’t think you need to get wasted ten times in high school to be able to handle college. Maybe I’m wrong. What do you guys think about what I said about maybe you don’t need it? I’m not pushing you not to date. I’m just saying I don’t want you to feel the pressure like, “I need to find a boyfriend in the next year. Otherwise, I’ll be screwed when I go to college.”
I feel like it doesn’t matter because if you find the right guy, they won’t care about that.
I feel like there are aspects of that that are true. Even if that happens, that fear would still be in my mind and then that would prevent me from doing things. I feel like the fear will get in my way.
I feel like, “He’s going to be upset because I’m experienced?”
I feel like it’s more self-fear like, “I would be fearful of messing it up somehow so I would be not fully into it.” I don’t know.
I’m guessing that fear is true for every relationship and will be. It could be there like, “I like this person. I don’t want to screw this up.”
That’s how I feel so I still get scared about that.
I don’t want you guys feeling under pressure like, “I need to have this. Otherwise, it’s going to be a disaster at the next level.” You’ll be able to communicate what you need. If there’s some guy who wants you to be experienced sexually and is bummed out, that isn’t the guy.
That’s how is at the start.
One more question. My old-fashioned part of me says that when you’re dating somebody, it’s nice if it’s a friendship. If it’s a good friendship and you grow in that way, the other stuff comes along, the closeness, intimacy, and sexual things. It’s nice to grow into it from a friendship. Is that old-fashioned?
I agree with that.
The experience of watching something like that happen depends because, with my best friend, her relationship with this guy that she had been friends with for years and they started a relationship, he didn’t want the relationship anymore. He said that she was too boring and that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her because she wouldn’t give him more. She wouldn’t give him more than a man get a make-out because she wasn’t ready. That’s how it ended because she heard him say that she was boring so she broke up with him at school. It was a mess.
It’s different for everybody but I feel like the relationships where you start with being a friend and going through the friendship are stronger but whenever you lose those, you end up breaking up and down the line or something. If that does happen, it hurts so much more because not only did you lose your boyfriend or your girlfriend but you lost your best friend.
In the group, potentially.
If you only have one friend and you date that one friend, you lose everybody in your life so it’s harder but I do feel like those relationships are stronger because you’ve gotten to know each other and had that first step of a relationship of just a friendship to moving on.
With friendships, it creates stronger bonds but then there’s like, “Why now?”
What do you mean why now?
It’s like, “Why didn’t you feel like dating me before? We always had this closeness. Why now? What changed that? What made you want me now?”
You can ask him or her, “Why now?”
Sometimes, one party will like them for such a long time, either try and make it obvious but not voice it, and then three years go by and the other party is like, “I like you,” and then she’s saying, “Why now? You could have told me that years before.”
It’s because three years ago, you were an idiot. Sometimes I joke around about this that most boys in high school don’t have the emotional maturity to be a good boyfriend. Any validity?
Some are but there’s also a lot that are not.
There are rare ones that are but then their friends aren’t so they separate that, which is hard to do and then that causes problems because they’re influenced by people.
It’s always people.
Do you all agree with that?
Yes, I would have had issues with my boyfriend, not with him but with his friends who have been mean or something. He’s fine but I don’t like his friends.
Thank you all so much for being so open and candid. This is helpful for parents to get a sense. There’s no one way. It’s all kinds of things. In general, you’re talking about the experience you’ve allowed these readers with their daughters and our sons are experiencing. Thank you so much for offering that and being there for these parents. Also, thank you to those of you who are reading. I always say this but I’m sincere about this.
I appreciate you passing this show on so if you enjoyed this and thought it was valuable, pass it on to your friends. A lot of these shows are pretty valuable to read with your daughters to stir up conversations. It may not be their experience with these four women we’re talking about but it might stir up some conversation. You might get a little bit more out of them than you have in the past. I will be back here with a brand new episode. Thanks so much for stopping by.