If threatening to take away your daughter’s cell phone is your best leverage for discipline, you are in deep trouble. Yet time and time again I find parents holding technology over their daughter’s heads as their only tool to get their girls to do what they want.
Lauren, 16, and her dad were constantly butting heads. She is a strong-minded, independent young lady who takes after her daddy. Lauren has engaged her parents in power struggles since her toddler days, resulting in years of nagging, yelling, groundings, and frustration. Nothing seems to work except threatening to take her phone, but that produces only short-lived compliance. He was reluctant to consider stopping that warning because he said, “That’s my only leverage.”
In my office, I had them do a dialogue with dad just listening to Lauren. Through tears, she talked about feeling that her dad loved her sister better, that he didn’t care about her, and that he couldn’t wait till she left for college. The yelling had taken a toll on Lauren, and she felt deeply hurt that he hadn’t been willing to listen to her side of arguments. All of this was news to dad, and for the first time he could see things from her point of view.
All kids need discipline and clear, firm boundaries. How that is delivered is critical to the parent-child relationship. I like the metaphor of a “goodwill account”, meaning how much good will is there in your relationship. Withdrawals from this account results when parents yell, spank, don’t listen, are distracted, or don’t spend time with kids. Deposits look like listening, being empathetic, being present, spending quality time, giving kids lots of say-so in the house rules, and being respectful.
If parents have been consciously making lots of deposits over time and the goodwill account is full, it becomes much easier to have conversations about agreements, hold kids accountable, and to get kids to spend time with you. The state of the parent-child relationship is the best leverage to handle issues with kids, and Lauren’s dad was missing out on that tool.
I encouraged Lauren’s dad to have a series of heart-to-heart talks with her where they could create new win-win agreements that met both of their needs. That would only happen if they both came from a place of respect and were willing to calmly hear each other out. They had a few of those conversations in my office with me as mediator until they were able to do it alone. Gradually things settled down, both Lauren and her dad felt heard and respected, and the struggles went away.
Threats to take away phones or grounding teens usually become withdrawals from the goodwill account, and all that they focus on is what a jerk their parent is. They aren’t learning anything about self-discipline or learning from their mistakes.
If things aren’t going well with your teenager, make sure that first and foremost you build up your goodwill account with them. A close, respectful, trusting relationship is the best leverage for solving issues with your kids.