How You Parent Matters: Don’t Screw Up Your Kids

Show Notes

How you parent matters, and the style of parenting you employ will have long-term effects on who your kids become.

2 Parenting styles

Dr. Jordan describes two main parenting styles: authoritarian and authoritative. 

Authoritarian or Autocratic Parenting

Authoritarian or Autocratic Parenting: Parents tend to make rules and set high expectations but lack warmth, nurturance, feedback, and support. Authoritarian parents tend to “rule with an iron fist.” They are often described as strict, demanding, cold, critical, and punitive. Mistakes tend to be punished harshly. When feedback does occur, it is often negative, and parents will punish kids by withholding expressions of affection.

Ÿ Yelling and corporal punishment are also common, and parents utilize punishments with little or no explanation. Obedience and conformity are valued highly.

Dr. Jordan describes the feelings, decisions, and behaviors of kids who grow up in authoritarian homes. He also discusses how spanking has been found to be associated with increased risk of 13 detrimental outcomes, including aggression, antisocial behavior, impaired cognitive ability, mental health problems and physical injury, and rebellion.

Authoritative or Democratic Parenting:

Authoritative or Democratic Parenting: autonomy-supportive parenting, recognize & sensitive to child’s needs and desires, let kids take initiative and follow their lead, respect child’s perspectives, encourage child to experiment, encourage creativity and out of the box thinking, encouraging, play-by-play announcer, give choices & decision-making, solve own problems & think critically about the reasons behind each rule, support autonomy, safe and stable base, emotionally warm, close, and nurturing, long-term goals of self-control & self-motivated & self-responsible & self-determination.

Value development of self-control & self-responsibility vs obedience

Samuel & Pearl Oliner study on non-Jews who risked lives to save Jews during Holocaust: their parents had used an authoritative style of parenting 

Positive effects of authoritative parenting

Kids who grow up with this kind of parenting are more willing to take initiative, willing to take risks, continue to go to parents for advice, more cooperative & collaborative, have healthy coping skills & grit and the ability to learn from mistakes, good problem-solver, motivated to persevere, fully engaged in passions and work, more focused, higher achievement, higher executive functioning and prosocial behaviors, lowest risk for psychopathology, share more with parents, they are more empathetic, kind, and warm, have respect for adults, other people, and rules.

Stages of moral development

Dr. Jordan discusses his version of the stages of moral development and how it relates to parenting styles. He also encourages parents to be sure they are aware of not valuing achievement over character or adding excessive pressure to excel.

Contact Dr. Jordan:

Check out Dr. Jordan’s online parenting course, Parenting girls: The challenges girls face today with their feelings and friends and what they need

Parenting Girls

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