Dr. Jordan shares his favorite ways to make connections with kids, whether they are yours or others, including: knowing their names, doing the unexpected, following their lead, being fully present, letting go of inhibitions and playing like a kid, finding common interests to do together, and being a great listener.
For more resources from Dr. Jordan, visit his website.
Listen to Dr. Jordan’s previous podcast on the value of unstructured, unsupervised downtime and the benefits of boredom here.
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The Best Ways To Connect With Children
I’ve had a lot of authors and guests in the last several months, which is fun for me. I thought I would go solo and use a topic that came to mind because I was talking about it with some patients. I’m Dr. Tim Jordan. I’m a developmental-behavioral pediatrician. I’ve been working with kids for a long time in counseling practice for many years in my counseling practice and our school program, Strong Girls Strong World.
If you’ve read these blogs before, I’ve been running weekend retreats and summer camps for many years. I’ve traveled around a lot and given talks to parents. I’ve learned a lot about being with kids in all different kinds of settings. What prompted this show was I was talking to a couple who had a daughter, and both parents were having a hard time connecting with her for different reasons. They weren’t in sync with her. That was for a lot of their own personal reasons, but also because of her age and them not understanding how you connect with someone who is a teenage girl.
I’m not going to talk about teenagers. I’m going to talk about younger kids. I’m going to do another episode about how you connect with teenagers. When I was in my fellowship with Dr. T. Barry Brazelton a long time ago in Boston, one of the things I learned was about the beautiful rhythm that parents get into with their little kids, with their infants and their toddlers. I remember seeing some videos and being part of these interactions where there would be a little 2 to 3-month-old baby in a pumpkin seat. They would have a parent come in and sit down in front of the baby. They would film the interaction.
Observations From Parent-Child Interactions
What they found was a couple of things that were interesting. One of them was when most of the moms came in, and they would sit down in front of the baby, the baby’s eyes would light up. The baby would smile, and the mother would smile back. The mom might squeeze the baby’s little chubby thighs. The baby would giggle. The baby would turn away, and the mother would turn away. The baby would come back, and the mother would come back. There was this beautiful back-and-forth rhythm that developed, and that is the template for all future relationships.
If you have a parent who is attentive, the baby learns that there is someone there. There’s someone who will get into a rhythm with me. There’s someone who will respect me when I need a break. That beautiful rhythm was a beautiful thing to watch. What was interesting was that the baby led that interaction as much as the moms or dads. The baby elicited as much from the mom as the mom elicited from the baby. If the baby cooed, the mom would coo. If the mom cooed, the baby might coo. It was a mutual interaction. It was beautiful.
One of the funny things was the mom would leave, the father would come in and sit down. As soon as the baby saw the father, this is 2 and 3-month-olds, the baby had a whole different look. Their eyes would raise up. Their body would tense with a big smile on their face. Dr. Brazelton used to call it the pounce look, meaning the baby knew this was going to be a different interaction than it was with mom. There’s a little bit more excitement and high energy in general. The dad and the baby would smile. They would get into a rhythm, but it was different. The baby anticipated that it was going to be different already by 2 or 3 months of age.
Some parents have a hard time knowing how to do that with a baby. I’ve had a lot of dads tell me that they can’t wait for their baby to get to be 3, 4, or 5. They can connect with them better because it was hard for them to connect with a little one. They didn’t quite know how. They’re anticipating these days, maybe throwing a baseball back and forth or watching movies together. There are a lot of ways to connect with kids of all ages.
I’m going to talk about the connection and some things I’ve learned over the years that have helped me. I had five younger sisters growing up. It helped me right from the start to know how to connect with younger kids. I was fortunate. I changed diapers. I babysat, especially the last 2 or 3 younger sisters that I had. I babysat as a kid. I worked in summer camps. I umpired quarter-league baseball. I worked with kids in all kinds of ways. I did summer camps for 3 or 4 summers. I’ve learned a lot over the years about connecting.
Overcoming Stranger Anxiety In Young Children
Let me give you some suggestions about things that I have learned. You can pick and take what you’d like and what fits for you. Sometimes, it takes something as simple as a smile or to make a funny face. My wife and I travel 10 to 12 times a year, giving talks. If I see a kid sitting next to me with their parent like a little kid, it might be a 4 or 8-month-old. A lot of times, they’ll look over, and depending upon their age, if they’re 8 or 10 months of age and they’re going through stranger anxiety, sometimes they look over with, “Is this okay? You’re not my mom or dad.”
Sometimes, a smile, I’ll make a funny face, or I’ll cover my face, uncover it like a peekaboo thing. Most kids like that. They start to smile. They might go, “I shouldn’t smile. I don’t know. This is stranger danger.” Not stranger danger, but stranger anxiety, which all little kids go through that phase. They’ll turn away. I turn away and stop. They almost always will come back and look. They’ll sneak a peek, and I’ll do it again.
I can get into a nice little rhythm with most kids by smiling and making funny faces, or making different faces, or doing the unexpected. I might put a cup on top of my head. I know that it doesn’t belong there. Their curiosity is peaked. They’ll look at me with a quizzical look. It’ll fall off my head, and they’ll laugh. Something as simple as doing the unexpected. If I’m in someplace, I will pretend I’m going out a door and walk into it. I pretend I bang my head. They always laugh and giggle.
You start looking for ways. At this moment, if I want to make a connection with this kid. How can I get them to connect with me? You’re talking about strangers and stranger danger. There’s a place where we work out. A couple of days a week, they have coffee that you can get a cup on the way out. I was pouring myself a cup of coffee.
There was a mom with a little girl who was 3 or 4 years of age. The mom was holding her while the mom was getting some coffee. The little girl was watching. I turned to her and smiled. She turned into her mom. She turned back out. I smiled, and she smiled. I said to her, “What do you like in your coffee?” The mom looked at me like I was Jack the Ripper like, “How dare you talk to my four-year-old daughter?”
What I don’t like about that is I want kids to know that the world is a safe place. I want them to be curious and explore the world. If you’re a four-year-old and you’re being held by your mom, that’s safe. You should have a sense of safety there. That’s an opportunity for that girl to interact with people. The same thing happens on elevators. All the time, parents get freaked out by somebody looking at their kid and smiling.
Kids need to know the world is a safe place. Encourage their curiosity and let them explore. Interact with them in everyday settings and be present. Share on XYou can find ways, but it’s also not strangers. It’s also in the summertime. You might be at a pool. There are kids running around all the way. The kids are out in the neighborhood, hopefully playing out in the street or the yard. It’s about connecting with neighborhood kids. It’s about holidays where there are cousins, nephews, and nieces that you don’t see often who come over. It’s always a new experience. You haven’t seen them for several months or since the last holidays. They live out of town. You can always slowly but surely make a connection, respecting their need if they back off for you to back off, but to not give up.
A lot of times, what I also do is I always ask their names. In my summer camps and weekend retreats, I make a concerted effort in those first hours to try and memorize every camper’s name. I have a good short-term memory. We’re in name tags on the first day. I’ll look at the name tag and say, “Hi, Susie. Nice to meet you. I’m Tim.” I walk around, and I keep milling around while they’re doing things. I’m looking at their name tag and trying to memorize their names.
When we do some of these retreats, like father-son and father-daughter retreats, everybody wears name tags. We may do an exercise where they’re all standing in a circle. I’ll walk around the outside of the circle and look at their name tags. It’s a way to memorize names because kids like it when you know their names, and adults do too. They like it. The next morning, they’ll come into breakfast at these retreats, and I’ll say, “Hi, Susie.” They’ll brighten up like, “You remembered my name.”
Another little trick I sometimes use to make a connection is I tend to mispronounce their name. I saw a girl in my office. Her little sister came in at first with her and the parents before I talked to the older girl by herself. The little girl was about 5 or 6. She said her name was Violet. I said, “Nice to meet you, Violin.” She’s like, “No, it’s Violet.”
I kept butchering her name 2, 3, or 4 times. She was frustrated, but funny frustrated because I was using funny names. Sometimes, one way I connect is by mispronouncing their name or acting like I didn’t hear their name. They’ll say, “My name is Ann.” I’ll say, “Nice to meet you, Pam.” Before long, we have this thing going back and forth, and it’s a way to start the conversation. It’s a way to make an initial connection.
It’s a good idea to ask about them and the things that they like to do. If they say, “I like gymnastics or theater,” ask, “What do you like about that?” Get them talking about their interests and passions because most people, adults and kids, like to talk about the things that they’re interested in. There’s our connection. They may say something like, “I like theater.” I’ll say, “What do you like so much about theater?” They’ll give me their reasons why they love to do it. I’ll say, “That’s amazing. That’s awesome that you like that.” I might say, “In my first two years of college, I was in three plays. I know what it’s like to be a theater kid.” There’s our connection.
You look for things in what they share that you can make a connection with because you may have had a shared experience or interests. That’s the beginning of our friendship and connection. It’s important with kids, whether they’re your kids or anybody’s kids, to follow their lead. Often, kids are in all these supervised, structured activities where it’s all laid out for them, which, to me, is not the best way for kids to grow up and learn. Kids learn best through play, especially younger kids.
There’s a whole mound of research that would back up that statement that kids learn best through play, especially with unstructured play and with play that they choose and that they’re engaged in because of their interest and passion. Not because we’re making them or because there’s going to be a grade, there’s a competition, or they’re trying to win, but because they like it. It’s important to see what they’re interested in, follow their lead, and become interested in what they’re interested in.
Some of these father-son and father-daughter retreats, and I travel around all over, there are usually about 25 to 30 couples, meaning dads and their daughters or dads and their sons. Sometimes, we’ll do an activity where we’ll give them inner tubes and some boards or some rope. I tell them, “You guys need to make a floating craft.” We’re going to have races to see which team can get across the pool quickest. We will tell the dads ahead of time, “Let your daughters lead this operation. Let them build the craft mostly. Help out and have fun, but let them take the lead.”
Ninety times out of 100, that’s hard for parents to sit back because, in our minds, there’s a right way to do it. There’s a better way to do it. We want to show them, teach them, and make the best boat. Sometimes, parents get competitive. We need to let that go if you want to make a good connection with your kids or any kids.
Let go of that part about “I know what’s best. I know how to do this. You don’t. I’m the parent. You’re the kid. I need to show you how,” instead of standing back and saying, “How could we do this?” Let them take the lead. Even if they build a horrible boat and they don’t win the race, it doesn’t matter because they have so much fun building stuff and using their creativity and imagination. Remember that. It’s important.
It’s hard sometimes for parents to step back. I remember a long time ago, we were doing a mother-daughter retreat. There were middle school girls and their moms. It was in Europe. There were mothers and daughters from all over Europe. We did an exercise where we called the bog crossing, where we gave them these carpet squares that were twelve by ten.
We said, “These are magic carpet squares. You need to go from point A to point B, which is about 20 or 30 yards away. You can’t touch the ground. You can only be safe on these carpet squares because they’re magic, and there’s hot lava. You need to find a way to get your group across. You need to all go together as a group. You can’t send 1 or 2 across, come back, and send the whole group across.” It means that they have to work together.
We would split them up into groups of about 10 or 12 and give them five carpet squares. What is required was they’re going to need to have two of them on those carpet squares and sometimes, almost half of a third, another foot on there as they go forward. They have to reach back and grab the last carpet, pull it forward, and put it in front of them. They have to figure out how to work together. We suggested to the moms to let them lead. Listen to their ideas. Let them do this. They can do it.
Not long into this exercise, the moms took over. They were telling the girls what to do and not to do. We ended up saying, “Time out. All of you moms have been bitten by a fly. You can no longer talk. You can’t say anything.” I’ll never forget the girls started clapping. They’re like, “Thank God someone is stepping up for us.” The girls did great. They had great ideas. They got the whole group across. They all celebrated.
It was a great lesson for the moms to remind themselves, “My kids are more confident than I sometimes give them credit for. I need to back off and allow them to take charge.” It’s a great way to connect with your children and other kids who may come to your house to allow them to take the lead and take the initiative. Don’t always get focused on doing it the right way. That also means less structured play.
I’d love to give kids toys and different kinds of things where there’s not a pre-prescribed plan, where there are directions like, “Do it this way,” as opposed to saying, “Here’s a bunch of Legos. Make something.” I said this in a previous episode about summertime and build. Buy them some boards at the hardware store and some hammers and nails. Give them some rope and large appliance-size empty cartons, and say, “Build and create something.”
The Impact Of Being Fully Present
Don’t give them directions, and don’t tell them what to make. Say, “This is some stuff you can build with. Have at it. Have fun. Knock yourselves out.” Kids love that. They love the freedom to create. That’s a great way to connect. It’s about being out there with them, but letting them do the leading. Let them make what they want to make. It also means when you’re with them in any way, even if it’s for a short period of time, whether you’re talking about your children or other kids that you are with, for a variety of reasons, to be fully present.
I read a survey that was run by Lego. It was done several years ago. They revealed that 81% of kids wish their parents would play with them more. If we did that survey, it would be higher. If we asked the question, how many of you feel like your parents are on their phones too much? I can guarantee you that 100% of kids would raise their hands because I’ve asked that question on my retreats, my summer camps, and other places where I work with kids.
When you’re playing with kids in any way, shape, or form, and you want to make a good connection, don’t have your phone with you. Leave it inside and turn it off. Don’t be glancing at it. You need to be fully present. It’s hard when that phone is there. Even if the buzz or the ringtone thing is off, and you’re only going to hear a vibration, that is distracting. Even if you don’t get a call or don’t get a vibration, you’re anticipating getting one, and you’re not fully present. Leave the phone inside.
Be fully present with your kids. Leave your phone behind, turn off the TV, and engage with them. Your presence matters more than you think. Share on XWhen you’re at the dinner table, leave the phone in the bedroom. When you’re going on vacation, or you’re driving in the car, leave your phone in your purse or the glove compartment. Be fully present. Otherwise, it’s not a deep connection with kids. There’s a whole amount of research that would say that anytime any of us are with people and phones and devices are out, the level of conversation gets dumbed down, and the connection is less deep.
Practice being fully present. Turn off the TVs. Get rid of the devices for those times. You need devices sometimes to do your work, but not when you’re playing and you’re with your kids in that way. Even things like car rides, why do we have TVs in car rides? Why do we have iPads and watch movies when we’re driving twenty minutes to somewhere? Talk, let them make a playlist, sing songs, and do nursery rhymes.
I’ve had speech therapists tell me that a lot of kids are starting kindergarten and first grade. They’re a little bit behind in their reading because their phonetics are lacking. We aren’t doing some of those things like reading and singing nursery rhymes, like a lot of people did in the old days before all these devices. That’s a great way for them to learn phonetics.
Another thing is when you’re with your kids, and you want to make a good connection with your children or any children, be a kid. You stop being an adult for a little while. Let go of your inhibitions. Let go of your need to look a certain way. Be willing to get dirty and messy. Allow them to be kids and be kids with them.
Number one, it’s a blast. I love Peanut Camp. I love being at weekend retreats. What’s more fun than being at a summer camp with kids? They are freed from their devices, families, and little sisters, but they’re out, and they have that sense of freedom. They bust out, and there’s so much fun. Have that fun and let go of that adult role and label. Let go of that silly thing.
Some parents have a hard time doing that practice. The best way to know how and practice is to watch your children and follow their lead. The best way for you to learn how to be more silly, to let your guard down, and to let your inhibitions go and play like a kid is to watch your kids and follow their lead. They’re good at being kids if you let them. If you follow their lead, it’s a blast. You’ll have a ton of fun. Their imaginations go crazy when they’re allowed to have unsupervised time. Follow that lead. Let them pick and choose things that you’re going to do.
I talked about this in an episode before. We always have a lot of downtime and unstructured time in our camps because we think it’s important for all the reasons I’ve been saying and because their lives are structured at home. Sometimes, after dinner, there are two hours or so of no time where we hang out, and the kids decide to do what they want to do.
We created a game called Snake Pit. We played in a Gaga ball pit. Instead, we stand outside the pit, one person with each wooden side. It’s an octagon. There are eight sides. We put our water bottle on top in front of us. The person in the queen square starts. They have a Frisbee. They try and throw their Frisbee and knock somebody’s water bottle off of the ledge. If they hit it, fall, and hit the ground, that person is out and goes in the back of the line. If they hit the water bottle and it falls off, but they catch it before it hits the ground, they’re still in. It’s silly.
The most fun is we throw some of these plastic bats and little buff things that are styrofoam. We throw a bunch of stuff inside the middle. A lot of times, the Frisbees end up in the middle. It’s a free-for-all. Whoever grabs the Frisbee first gets it, and they can be the next person to throw. Everybody wants the Frisbee. There’ll be 2, 3, 4, or 5 people jumping inside the pit and trying to get that thing. They’re hitting each other with the bats and the buffers. It’s a blast. The girls love it. You’d be surprised at how crazy they can get. That became because of unsupervised time and letting them create this game. They kept making new rules. Every year, we add new rules. That’s the fun of it. It’s their game. It’s their rules.
If you want to make a good connection with kids, then be fully present, let go of your inhibitions, let go of your filters, let your imaginations go well, follow their lead, and be a kid. I remember a long time ago in my fellowship year, I met a man named Stanley Greenspan. He came by our child development center. He had written a book about what he called Floortime. He worked with kids with autism, but he worked with kids who didn’t have that. What he meant by floor time was the importance of getting down on the kids’ level and getting on the floor and playing with them.
A lot of times, adults are sitting up in chairs and couches when their kids are down on the floor. My wife and I do a fun role play where we will ask for a volunteer, a mom or a dad. They’ll come and sit down in the middle of a circle. I’ll sit down with them and say, “I’m your dad. You’re the kid.” I have this container of something they can build. I’ll say, “I want you to be a kid. Start building with this stuff. I’m going to be a dad. I want you to get a sense of how I am feeling if my dad treats me like this.”
I tell the audience, “I want you guys to get in the kids’ shoes and get a sense of how I am feeling if my dad was parenting me like this.” They start building. I’ll sit in a chair above them and start criticizing them. I’m like, “Why are you doing that? Where’s the other? No, put the wheels on first.” I overly get involved. I tell them the right way to do it. I tell them if they’re wrong in lots of different ways. I compare them with their sibling. I throw out all those tops. I stop and say, “How are you feeling?” the kids and all the other adults will say things like, “I feel stupid. I feel not good enough. I have no creativity. My dad is always right. I feel stressed, unsafe, and unworthy.” I’ll say, “Let me show you a different way.”
The kids are sitting there playing with their tinker toys. Instead of coming and sitting in the chair, I sit on the floor and get on their level. I don’t say a word for a while. I watch them play. A lot of times, the adults who are watching in this circle, or if I’m in an auditorium in their seats, there’s a lot of discomfort. Why aren’t you going to say something? Aren’t you going to play with your kids? I do it to make the point that the most important thing is that you’re sitting there with them. It’s not what you say. It’s okay to watch and not get your little hands in there to show them the right way to do it, but to be with them.
I always say a few things, but I remember Stanley Greenspan said, “It was being a play-by-play announcer.” It looks like you like building with your hands. What are you building this time? I’m building a car. Where’d you get that idea? You ask questions. You don’t grill them, but you’re asking questions. I don’t say, “You’re the best builder in the world.” It’s more like, “I love how creative you can get. I love how you can build something on your own with no plans. I love how focused you get when you’re building things. You didn’t even notice me walk into the room. That’s amazing. I love how focused you get.”
That’s a healthy way to have floor time and to be with kids. After I stop and say, “How are you feeling now?” They feel close, connected, safe, and creative. They want to share more. They feel competent. All the things that you want your kids to feel about themselves. Get on their level. Don’t overtalk. Don’t take over. Follow their lead. Become more of a play-by-play announcer.
Avoiding Over-Criticism And Judgment
Parents say, “Was it wrong if you help them out?” It’s not wrong, as long as you can help a little bit, but don’t take over. That’s hard for a lot of parents to do. Once they get their little hands there, it’s hard for them not to take over because, in their minds, there is one right way to build a car, when in reality, there are thousands of ways to build that car. Get on their level and follow their lead.
Connect deeply with your kids by just being there. Don't over-talk or take over. Follow their lead and watch them thrive. Share on XThe other thing about connecting with kids is to watch your judgments. A lot of kids end up pulling away from their parents. They feel judged because of the way they are and do things for lots of different reasons, judged and/or criticized. They feel like their parents are always teaching, criticizing, judging, and saying, “No, let me show you how to do that.” It’s not wrong to teach your kids things, but we overdo it.
I remember years ago, my wife Anne and I were walking around the neighborhood on a summer evening. We saw a dad and his son throwing a football back and forth in the street. My first thought was, “That’s awesome. That’s so cool. He is out there throwing a football around.” As we got closer, what we heard was the dad coaching at every throw. The dad had a comment, “No, hold your hands this way. No, don’t catch it against your body. Catch it out front. When you throw it, put your hand back behind your ear and throw it.” Every throw and every catch, he had some coaching tip and “criticism.”
I could see the kid like, this is not as much fun as if we were throwing the ball. Who cares? This is not training camp for an NFL preparation thing. This is dad and son standing in the street throwing a football around to have some fun. Watch that you don’t over-coach, even when you’re playing soccer or kicking the ball in the backyard. There may be times when you say, “Can I give you a suggestion about something I’ve noticed?” If they say yes, give a suggestion. Watch that you don’t overcoach from the stands when you’re watching your daughter play a lacrosse game or a soccer game.
Girls tell me often they hate it when their parents, especially their dads, are screaming from the sidelines, coaching them. Don’t coach them on the way home in the car, especially if they lost. A lot of times, kids don’t want to hear that stuff on the way home. They need some time to process the game and calm down if they have a rough game. I watch that you are not always coaching and you’re not always giving advice.
Another piece to make a connection with kids, and this is maybe one of the most important things, one is to find an interest that you can connect with them with so that you can have time together and do the things that they like to do. You have to watch and see what they’re interested in. It may have to spark a new interest in you. Maybe you guys learn to cook, work out in the yard, plant a garden, or read books together.
Find shared interests with your kids. Whether it's cooking, gardening, or reading together, shared activities strengthen your bond. Share on XI did that with my kids a lot. When they were young, I got some of the classics from the library. I had those books. These are things like Robinson Crusoe, Black Beauty, The Swiss Family Robinson, and those sorts of old-school books. I would read a chapter or two a night, like Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer. All my kids liked to read. My daughter especially liked to read. She was our oldest. We did a lot of that reading together. She’s a reading specialist in schools. She’s got her Master’s in Reading. That carried over for her, that interest.
My sons and I love to watch movies together. We still to this day and they are 39 and 35 years of age. They live out of state. When they come home, we still talk in movie lines. We’ll see something. We’re texting movie lines back and forth. We almost always know exactly the word or two where short ends. We know the place in the movie. That’s one of our goofy connections. It is fun. It’s one of the things that we’ve done since they were little kids.
I remember when my daughter was young, playing Pretty Pretty Princess with her. I’m not sure if any of you have a daughter or son who has played that game. There are all these things that you can dress up with. I’ll never forget these memories of Pretty Pretty Princess. There were ear earrings that she wanted me to wear. I put them on and they would snap on your ear loop. They hurt so bad. I’ll never forget it because my ears were too big. That was small, but I put them on because I wanted to connect with her, and she loved that game. She loved that her dad was willing to be a Pretty Pretty Princess.
Those interests can look like a lot of things, but follow their lead. It’s a way to connect and do things together. Those interests are things that carry over. I still sometimes go to book fairs with my daughter. She loves musicals. My wife does not. Every summer, there’s an outdoor theater in St. Louis. It’s the largest outdoor stage in the country. They have lots of musicals all summer. They have 8 or 10 of them. Most summers, my daughter and I will go because she likes that, and I do too. That’s one of the things we do together. You can find those things that haven’t become rituals that you do. It’s a great connecting thing.
It also could be not with your kids. It could be with a niece or nephew. It could be with grandkids or any kids you can share interest with. They love having adults do things with them, especially if you’re fully present and following their lead. Respect, giving kids lots of say-so, and control are ways to make sure that you have a good connection with them.
I work with families sometimes where there’s been a divorce and a remarriage. There’s a stepmom, stepdad. One of the things I’ve noticed is sometimes the step-parent will move into the house. All of a sudden, there are new rules. They start to discipline the kids before the kids even know them well. There are lots of acrimony and power struggles.
The Role Of Step-Parents In Building Connections
I remind those step-parents. I’m like. “I want you to be part of the discipline in the home, but first, you need to make a connection. They need to like you and know you respect them. They need a sense of connection. When you start setting boundaries, it’ll be handled a lot easier and better because there’s a connection there. If you swoop in and start disciplining them, that’s a hard sell. It’s disrespectful. First, make the connection and it’s much easier to make those boundaries.”
That’s true with other kids, not just step-parents. When you have your kids’ friends coming to your house, sometimes they need boundaries. I wouldn’t be afraid to do those, but if you’ve made a connection first, they like and trust you. They feel comfortable and safe with you. If they hear those boundaries, they’re much more likely to respect them.
One of the most important ways to connect with your kids, or any kids, is to be a good listener and a nonjudgmental listener who likes to get in that child’s shoes and hear it from their point of view. Atticus Finks said in To Kill Mockingbird, “Get in their shoes and walk around for a while and get a sense of where they were coming from.” That’s such an important connecting piece for all kids.
Get in their shoes, listen, and mirror without interrupting, advising, giving suggestions, or making it about you to listen. I’ve mentioned that book before. It’s called The Rabbit Listened. Get that book. It’s a little kid’s book, but it’s also a message that big kids would like. This little boy was angry because some birds knocked over his creation. All these animals kept coming in and trying to get him out of it. The only one who was successful was a rabbit because a rabbit hopped in, sat down beside him, and didn’t say a word. The rabbit listened. Because of that, it created the space for the boy to feel like he could talk. The rabbit listened, and the boy settled down and started creating again.
Be a good listener for any kid. Whether it’s your children, neighborhood kids, cousins, nieces, and nephews, be a good listener. Every kid loves adults who are good listeners. They love teachers who are good listeners. They will go to those teachers if they need something. They don’t feel like you’re a good listener. They don’t feel like you respect them. They don’t have a sense of connection. They won’t. I want them to come to you. I want them to be connected to you. I want them to reach out to you. That connection is the most important piece.
I will also do a discussion about ways I’ve learned to connect with teenagers. That was a work in progress for me. I didn’t have a lot of training in working with teens from my fellowship training. It was more younger kids. Over the years, in my counseling practice, especially at my retreats and camps, I’ve learned from other camp counselors and people who have worked with teens. It’s a different animal. I can offer you some tips about ways to connect with your teenagers or other teenagers that you bump into in your various ways in life.
I hope this helps to learn some ways to connect with kids in your life. If it’s not a natural thing for you because you didn’t have a lot of experience with younger kids growing up for whatever reason, you can learn, and your best teachers are children. The best way to learn how to connect with kids and what they need is to listen. Get at their level. Follow their lead and example. If you do that, the connection will be there. I promise.
I’ll be back with a brand-new episode. Thanks again, as always, for stopping by. I always love it when you guys share this show with other people. I appreciate it. I’m getting more people, even in other countries now, who are reading the blog post. I appreciate that. If you ever have questions or suggestions about topics, email my wife at Anne@DrTimJordan.com. I’ll see you back here.