12 Phrases Daughters Need To Hear From Their Parents

Raising Daughters | Powerful Phrases

 

Parents are often accused of being overprotective of their children, to the point that they micromanage and babysit them way too much. Therefore, Dr. Tim Jordan is here to share a dozen powerful phrases our daughters need to hear more from parents for them to grow up confident, resilient, and successful. He explains how a few words could change a child’s mindset, pushing them to stand up for themselves in the face of adversities both in the family and at school.

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12 Phrases Daughters Need To Hear From Their Parents

I’m coming to you with some ideas about things I think your daughters need to hear more of from you. Some phrases that I think are extremely powerful that we’ve lost in our parenting. We’ve been accused parents of being overprotective, micromanaging our kids, fixing their problems, rescuing them, babying them and overindulging them. There’s some truth to that. Weeks ago, I did an episode about In Defense of Helicopter Parents. Go back and re-read that if you have it.

In this episode, I’m going to give you some phrases I think our girls and boys friends, for that matter, need to hear more. Please hang around all the way through because the last few are my favorite. It’s the ones are maybe the most important phrases that we can say to our daughters especially if you want your daughter to be successful in school and in life.

What Will You Do

My wife and I were at a weekend retreat. It’s father-daughter retreat. It was 26 pairs of dads and the little girls. They were doing some educational sessions with the dads. One of the things we were talking about was teaching their daughters to problem-solve. One of the expressions that we were telling them about was, what will you do? Very simple phrase and all these phrases are going to be simple, but they’re powerful. They pack a powerful punch.

For instance, when your daughter comes you frantic because she can’t find her soccer shoes, a very common response of parents is to be crabby. “You’re always losing your shoes. You’re supposed to leave it in the front door.” We rush around and then we become frantic until we find them for our daughters. Instead, when our kids come to us with their problem, one of the first things you might want to say to them is, “It sounds like you’re getting frustrated because you can’t find your soccer shoes. What could you do? What will you do? Where did you leave them last? Where could you look?” Leave them with the problem.

If they come to you with an issue with one of their friends or friends are leaving them out or something they don’t like. Sometimes, our responses are to call the other parents or to commiserate and feel sorry for our daughter and tell them what they should do like, “Dump her.” “She’s horrible.” “She’s a jerk.” “Why are you hanging out with her?” as opposed to listening and empathizing, your daughters in middle school or high school. It’s hard sometimes to get through that quagmire of drama.

I would always listen, but then instead of going to what you should do, problem-solving, or fixing it, I would go right to, what do you want to do about that? It sounds like you’re stuck. What have you tried? What could you do? What will you do? That is a great phrase to tell your kids about. I had a 7th grade girl in my office and she was having a hard time being crabby in the mornings. She wasn’t ready for school. She was late a lot. She was tired at the end of the day. She wasn’t getting enough sleep like most of our preteens and teens.

When I was talking to her about herself, I asked her what she wanted to do about it. She said, “I don’t know.” I said, “How much sleep do you think you need?” She said, “I don’t know. My mom and dad said.” I said, “I’m not talking about what your mom and dad think. How much sleep have you found you need so that you can wake up on time in the morning and be awake in your first class and for that matter, in your last class of the day? When you come home, you’re not crabby and a mess all evening. How much have you found?”

If they’re not sure, I tell them to do an experiment and start going to bed for several days at a time at a certain time and getting a certain number of hours. Discover for yourself how many hours of sleep do I need so you can start managing yourself. Instead of mom and dad every night coming in and yelling at me to go to bed, “Turn out the lights. Give me your phone,” all that, you need to start taking care of yourself. That includes knowing what you need. What will you do? What do you need? I can’t wait for her to come back and let me know what happened with their experiments.

If your kids come to you with a problem you’re having with a teacher or a coach, again, it’s easy to solve the problem for them, but I’m asking you instead to let them know what do you want to do about that. What will you do? I always encourage parents and kids to have their daughter go and set up an appointment with the coach or the teacher and have a heart-to-heart conversation about how they’re feeling about what’s going on and what they want.

I told the parents, “If your daughters young, maybe 2nd grade or 3rd grade or 4th grade, you might want to go and sit in, but sit in the back. Make sure your daughter is doing the talking and not you. “This is their issue. Their problem.” They can sit down across from their teacher or coach. Let them know what they want and how they’re feeling. Oftentimes, they may get a different response from the coach or their teacher. The teacher may change what they’re doing. Sometimes, they don’t, but the kids will always feel more empowered because at least they tried.

They weren’t just sitting back as a helpless victim and all these things are happening to them. They had their say. It starts with you saying, “What will you do?” Meaning, “You’re responsible and not me. You had the wherewithal. I believe that you can take care of yourself and solve this problem.” If they do solve the problem with their coach or their teacher or their friend or whatever, that’s a huge building block of self-confidence. At least they know I can take care of myself.

When they’re eighteen years of age and they’re going off in the world doing something, they’re going to trade school or college or to the service. They’re not going to be wracked with anxiety because they don’t know how to take care of themselves because they’ve been able to because you’ve allowed them to. What will you do is my first phrase and what your kids to hear more often.

How Can We Solve This

Another one is a lot of parents complain about sibling rivalry. They’re constantly being called in. “My sister did this.” “My brother called me a name.” “He took my stuff.” It’s easy for us to jump in full force and start solving the problem. “Go to your room.” “Who’s right?” “Who’s wrong?” We become the judge, they jury, or the executioner and our kids learn nothing about solving their problems, except it takes an adult to do it, which means you taught me that I need to tattle.

Instead, you can start to teach your kids how to sit down and face each other when they have a conflict and say, “Talk to your brother.” “Talk to your sister.” “Yes, but he’s.” “Don’t talk to me. Talk to your brother.” “How can you guys work this out so you both walk away from this table satisfied?” How can you create a win-win? That means, “Put out there what you want. You have to listen to what your sibling wants. You mix it up and you come up with a solution that works for both of you.” That’s how we teach our kids to handle their conflicts and to be more confident that they can handle their conflicts. It starts with a phrase like, how can you guys solve this that works for both of you?

You Got This

Another concept that I see a lot, we were talking to these dads about the concept of a safe base. That mom and dad, hopefully, probably the best case, are oftentimes the first safe base for their sons and daughters. Meaning when they’re upset and crying, you come and understand why they’re crying and then you fulfill their need. You feed them. You change their diaper. You pick them up. You rock them. They learn that this person is safe. I can trust that they’ll be there for me.

When they get a little bit older, now they’re a toddler or 3, 4 or 5 years old, when you go with them to a family party or someplace where there are other people around, at first, they may cling to you. They’re clinging onto your leg like, “I’m a little anxious about this.” What they need to hear from you at that moment is, “It’s okay. It’s okay to go play with your cousins. Have fun.”

What happens a lot of times is the toddlers, 3, 4 or 5 years old will toddle off. They’ll go play with their cousins and have a good time. Something happens and they get a little anxious. They come back and you’re there. You smile and say, “It’s okay. I understand. Let me give you a hug and then go back out and play.” What you teach them is the world is a safe place. “I’m here if you need me. I’m your safe base. You can bounce things off with me, but most of the time, you’re okay out there. I want you to be okay out there. I want you to have the confidence that says, ‘My mom and my dad believed in me.’”

What they say to you when you come back is, “I believe in you. You got this.” You say it with your words, with your facial expressions and your tone of voice. Instead of saying, “It’s okay. Have fun. I’m here if you need me,” when they toddle off, you say, “You got this.” Your face says, “I have full confidence that you can take care of yourself.” That’s the phrase and that’s the gestures and the facial expressions our kids need to see to develop confidence to be out in the world and make it happen.

Instead of telling your kids “I’m here if you need me” when they have problems, say “You got this” instead. Share on X

Shake It Off

If they come back and they’ve skinned their knee, fell down or did something, instead of overdoing it and making a huge deal of it, I think it’s okay to be compassionate and say, “I’ve hit my knee like that before. I know it hurts.” You can also add this phrase, “Shake it off. It’s okay. Walk around. It’ll be better.”

Teach them that it’s okay to be out in life, scrape your knee, and take risks. Sometimes, you may fall or bump into things or whatever, but you have the ability to not let it ruin the day. You have the ability to shake it off and take care of yourself so that they again have the confidence that says, “The world is a safe place. I like being out there. If I take a risk and I hurt myself or bump my knee or whatever, it’s okay. I learned about maybe that’s too big or risk. I’ll do a little bit different next time.” Shake it off is a phrase I think sometimes our kids need to hear more these days instead coddling, overprotecting, and overreacting.

 

Raising Daughters | Powerful Phrases

 

If you have one of those kids who’s a whiner, in our parenting classes, we used to call that the goal of avoidance. It’s when you tell your kids, “I need you to put your shoes on.” They start to whine, “I can’t do it. It’s too hard. Look at my little hands. I can’t do this.” It’s easy sometimes to say, “You can do it. Just put them on.” You get more frustrated and they keep going, “It’s too hard.” You finally say, “This is so annoying. Let me just do it for you because it’s easier to get it done.”

You’ve taught your kids that they are helpless and they need you for everything. I promise you, they will keep calling you back until you start setting boundaries. Instead of doing that, what you can do is look at them and smile if you know they can do whatever it is that you’re asking them because you’ve seen them do it before. What you’re saying to them is, “I know you think you can’t but I know you can. Let me know what you got that done and come find me.” You smile and you walk away.

“I know you can do it. I’ve seen you do it before. You can do this.” You detach because if you stay there, they’re going to suck you in, probably. You let them know, “Here’s my vote of confidence,” and then you leave them with the problem. They learn to do it and they’re so excited. They come to you and say, “I did my shoes.” You’re like, “Good for you. I knew you could do that.” You don’t throw a party. You don’t pay them money. You don’t give them a prize.

What Do You Think Anxiety Is Telling You Right Now?

The reward is, “It feels good to take care of myself,” but they need those opportunities so you need to start saying, “I know you can do this,” with all kinds of things. Not just a little kid who can’t put their shoes on. Even big kids can be whiny sometimes. I see a lot of girls in my counseling practices, as you know. They struggle with anxiety, get anxious with certain things and get triggered by certain things. Sometimes, I think what they need to hear is, “It sounds like you’re getting anxious. It’s okay.”

Number one, where do you feel that in your body? Your body is a great signal flag. That’s the first indicator often of, “Something is telling me something’s not right.” That’s what anxiety is. That’s your alarm system going off saying, “I want you to check it out. There could be a threat. There could be a danger. I’m here to warn you. I’m here to keep you alive.” It’s good to check and say, “Where do I where do I first feel that feeling in my body? Is it a tightening in my chest? Is it a feeling in my stomach? Is it something in my head?” Everybody has a place in their body where they feel that anxiety.

Anxiety is your body’s alarm system against any threat or danger. It is there to warn you and keep you alive. Share on X

The second phrase I would want you to perhaps say to them is, what do you think that anxiety is telling you? If that anxiety had the ability to talk, if it had words, what would it be saying? I think it’s good for them to start to touch in with these emotions I have. All these emotions, this whole myriad of things, they’re there to protect me and take care of me. They’re telling me something. I just need to slow down and check in and say, “What’s going on? What’s it saying? What am I anxious about? Do I need to be scared? Something just happened that triggered an old memory that doesn’t belong here.

Learn to notice in their body because you ask them where in your body or you’re feeling that. You ask them what you think is telling you? I don’t know. Takes some quiet time. Check in so you can learn to discover what your emotions are saying to you. I had a woman who was in college. She’s a senior in college who’s getting anxious because she’s looking ahead to last year in college. She said, “I’m going to have to figure out what I’m going to do with my life. Am I going to get a job? Where am I going to live? I’m in an artsy major. I’m not sure if I’m able to make enough money to be able to pay for an apartment in New York City or somewhere like that.”

Take some quiet time to discover what your emotions are saying to you. Share on X

She was just all bent out of shape and all anxious because of uncertainty. It’s a big word for those transition stages in our lives. There is uncertainty about the change coming up and why we should be able to handle it. I was reminding her of, “What do you think that’s telling you,” or I was telling her, “You have lots of choices about what you can do. You have the freedom to make choices.”

With that freedom and with all those choices comes some anxiety and uncertainty. That’s part of the package. That’s all it’s telling you. It’s not telling you to freak out or you can’t do it. It’s just saying, “Step back. Think this through. You can do it, but it’s okay.” These feelings here are having are part of growing up. It’s okay. They’re normal. Express them and move forward. Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck.

No

Another phrase that our kids need to hear more often is just one word and it’s no. Not like a screaming at them no, but like a, “No, I’m not willing to.” That can look like a lot of things. I remember vividly when our youngest son was about seven. We took him up to a toy store because he was going to a birthday party and we needed to buy a toy for one of his buddies. As he was looking around, he saw this nice Lego set. It was like a pirate ship. He came back and said, “I want you to buy me that Lego thing.”

We could have said a whole bunch of things like, “We can’t afford it.” Instead, we said was, “I’m not willing to buy it, but if you want it, go for it. You can use your allowance money.” He got excited. He said, “Okay. How much does it cost?” I said, “I don’t know.” “Go check,” I said. He went and checked. It was like $75. He’s like, “Holy cow. I’m not willing to pay $75.” It wasn’t like a, “No, you can’t.” It’s more like we’re not willing to, but if you want it, see if you can make it happen. It’s a no because it puts the responsibility for them getting what they want back in their lap.

It’s also okay to say no, especially now when our 2nd graders or 5th graders or our 7th graders are asking for smartphones and they’re asking to get on social media. I think that’s a big know that needs to come out of our mouths more often. My wife and I have been encouraging parents for years to wait until their kids are in high school before they get their first smartphone and at least high school. If not, a few years into high school before they get on social media, they have a long track record of good behavior.

Good meeting mature behavior, responsible behavior, and impulse control. They how to handle and manage their friendship issues. They need to show you they have some readiness things that they have accomplished that says, “I think she’s ready to try it.” If not, then the answer is I’m not willing to. I’m not willing to let you have that phone yet. You’re not ready. Here are some things you can start doing that’ll show us that you’re ready. You put the ball in their court, but it’s okay to have a no and not be argued out of it because everybody else has a “phone.” Everybody else is on TikTok.

Take Some Risks Today

Don’t fall for that. It’s okay to say no. Here’s another thing I want you to start saying a little bit more to your daughters and sons when they leave the house. Instead of saying, “You have a good day at school,” and with some trepidation in your face. What if you said instead, “Have fun at school and take some risks today.” Our culture has become risk-aversive. It’s more about safety-ism than it is about adventures and take some risk and learn.

Learn how to take risks. Learn how much is too big of a risk. Learn how to take care and be responsible for your own safety out there. Our kids are not learning street smarts. That’s a whole episode itself, which I’m going to do pretty soon. I’ll leave it with, they need to take some risks. Encourage that by telling them that. When they come home from school, that’s one thing you can ask. “Did you take any risk? Tell me about it.”

A risk could be, “I went to eat at a different lunch table. I hung out with some different people at the playground and play with them.” It could be you set a boundary with somebody who was stepping on your toes in a way you didn’t like. It could have been talking to one of your teachers. Encourage them to take risks and even say it. Not only that you want them to, but that you have the faith that they can handle it and it’s good for them.

You’re Always In Charge Of Your Story

When our kids are facing adversity or when they’ve had a rough girl with a friend at school. Maybe their friend left them out. Maybe somebody called them a name. Maybe they didn’t do good on a test. I’ve talked about this in a previous episode on Spiral of Beliefs. They go in their heads. They start wondering, “Why is this happening? Why is that girl leaving me out?” It usually starts to make sense of it poorly. They’ll say things like, “Maybe it’s because I’m not good enough or not pretty enough or not cool enough. Maybe I’m awkward or annoying or I did something.”

They start to make it about them when oftentimes it has nothing to do with them. What I say to girls is a phrase you can start to use. “We’re not always in charge of the things that happened to us, but we’re always in charge of what we make of it.” That’s a good phrase. You’re always in charge of what you make of what happened. You can let it mean, “I’m awful, annoying, awkward, nobody likes me, or what’s wrong with me.” You can let it mean that or, “I don’t know. I didn’t do anything. Those girls sometimes are insecure. They’re trying to take everybody’s power. They want everybody to follow them. I didn’t do that. That’s why they did. It doesn’t mean anything bad about me.”

Here’s another good phrase. You’re always in charge of your story. You’re not always in charge of your circumstances and the experiences that come your way. You’re always in charge of what you make it and your story. It’s a great phrase that I think our girls need to hear more. For them to take some time to go inside and say, “What do I want to make of this? What’s my story that I’m going to walk away from this with?”

You are always in charge of your story, even though you are not always in charge of your circumstances. Share on X

Instead of walking away and making something bad about you, you can walk away and say, “That’s about them. I didn’t do anything. I’m not going to take it on. It’s not about me. I’m a good person. I deserve good friends.” That’s a whole different energy to take this school the next day than, “I’m awkward and weird. I don’t fit,” and all that. That’s a good phrase to help them with their adversities so they don’t get bogged down and make poor sense of it.

I Know What You Feel

A couple of more phrases. These are some of the ones I feel the most strongly about or some of my favorite. I got three more so read until the end, especially if you want your kids to be successful in life. The first one is when they tell you a story about something that happened at school or a frustration they have. It might be an adversity or challenge they’re facing. A great phrase once you first hear them, listen, mirror it back and let them know you understand. You’re listening and you say, “I heard you say is this. Is that right? Tell me more about that.”

You listen until you know that they know that you’ve heard them fully. That you understand and you’ve empathized. The phrase I want you to add on is, “I know how you feel because,” and then fill in the blank. What you’re saying to them is, “You look at me like I’m an adult. I have friends. I got this job. I’m married to your mom or your dad. I got my act all together; even though we don’t, they think that we do because we’re the finished product.

What you do is let them know, “I do know how it feels because I never one time when I was in 6th grade.” You tell me a story about how you felt awkward one time or you got left out by your friends or you had a problem with a teacher or you didn’t get the playing time you wanted from your coach. Whatever it is, tell them a short story about you and your experience so they know, “My mom or my dad can relate to what I’m talking about because they went through something similar and had some of the similar feelings that I’m feeling.” That is especially true for dads with their daughters, in my experience.

Girls many times go their moms more because their moms would understand because we’re both women or girls. Dads went through a lot of things that are similar. We went through an awkward stage. We went through issues with our friends. We went through times of uncertainty. It’s important that you share those stories so they know that you can relate. You can understand. Not just saying, “I understand.” You’re saying, “I do and here’s why.” You let them know why you do with your story.

Why Do You Like What You’re Doing

Now, the last two things. Here’s the one I think, especially for success. Both are about making sure your daughters are successful in life and that you remain an influence in your life. Anytime you see your daughter involved or engaged in something. It might be her artwork, being in a play, with her schoolwork, playing soccer, or playing piano. It doesn’t matter what it is.

When you see them excited and engaged in something, a good question or a good phrase is, why do you like doing that so much? Listen because what they will tell you is their internal intrinsic and motivation about why it feels good to them to place soccer, score goal or get As in school, whatever it may be. I said in an episode a while back that when girls are in my office, one of the questions I’ll ask them is what grades they want to get in high school or college or whatever level they’re at. They’ll give me that quizzical look like, “Why you asking me that? I want to get As.”

When I ask this next question, “Why do you want As? Why is that important to you?” Use that phrase a lot. Why is that important to you? They have to go internal and say, “Why is that important to me? Why do I like As?” Most of the time, it starts out being, “I want to please my parents.” “ I don’t want to disappoint my parents.” All that stuff. Those are external reasons. A more internal reason is, “I worked hard. I like to get good results from my efforts. That feels good to me.”

We had a girl one time. She was a gymnast. She was with her family. We had dinner with them, and we asked her why she loved gymnastics so much. She’s one of those gymnasts who goes to practice four days a week from 4:30 to 9:00 or 9:30 at night. She also has practice all day on Saturday. She’s getting needs. It’s a huge, time-consuming activity. We said, “That’s so much time. Why do you love it so much?” She started to tell us, my wife and I.

She started to say, “What I like about this,” and her dad interrupted and said, “Show Tim and Anne your hardware.” She said, “Dad.” He said, No, go show the Jordan’s your hardware.” She said, “Fine. Follow me.” We followed her down the hallway to her bedroom, which was lined with shelves and blue ribbons and trophies. That was her hardware. That’s what her dad was focused on, winning the championships, the trophies and the ribbons. All that.

That wasn’t what did it for her. We said, “I think that’s what your dad likes.” We said, “Why do you like gymnastics so much?” She stopped and said, “My favorite routine,” and then she started getting excited. “My favorite part of it is the floor routine. I love being out there on that mat. I’m standing in that corner, ready to perform and all eyes in the place are on me. My heart is pounding. I get excited and focused. I’m in the moment. I love doing my routine. I love to entertain.” That’s her intrinsic motivation. That’s why she loves gymnastics.

What all of you reading this to ask that question, why is that so important to you or why do you like doing that so much? Listen and once they tell you why it means so much to them or why they love us so much. Merit back what they say and those emotions get internalized. That becomes their intrinsic motivation. It’s always been there. You’re just supporting it. That’s my favorite questions. My favorite phrases to ask girls is, “Why do you like what you’re doing? Why do you want to get As? Why do you want to go to college?” all those kinds of things and let them tell you about what’s important to them.

Good Night, I Love You

Last phrase, it’s actually two phrases. This is perhaps obvious, but maybe not good night and I love you. I see a lot of girls in my practice, retreats, and camp with things whose parents don’t tuck them in every night. It’s haphazard. Some nights, yes, and some nights, no. Sometimes the parents are working late. All those kinds of things. Sometimes it’s also because my daughter’s in high school now. There’s a sense of she’s too old for that. I wanted to tell you they’re not too old.

All your daughters need to hear the phrase, “Good night. I love you,” before they go to bed. I would like that as the last thing they hear before they turn on the light. Not some goofy thing on TikTok or some stupid social media thing, but good night and I love you. Let them know that you love them and you care. You want to spend some time. Sit on the edge of their bed, talk and listen. You’ll never get those times back. I appreciate those times with my daughter and my two sons. Have those times. Good night and I love you would be a great way to end their day. Make sure you take the time to do that no matter what.

Episode Wrap-up

All these phrases are important, whether it’s no or what you will do or why you like playing hockey or what grades you want, or good night, I love you. They’re so important. It means you must be mindful and aware in those moments to ensure you’re saying those things to them. It’s so important for us not to get into this reflects thing of solving their problems and all those kinds of things as opposed to clean the bowl in their court. What will you do? What do you want? Work it out with your brother. I know you can do it. I know you can do this. Let me know when you got it done.

Those are ways you’re starting to put things back in their court. Allowing them to take care of themselves and gain confidence and the good feeling that comes from it, I did it. I can take care of myself. That’s how they become confident, more resilient, more capable and have less uncertainty and less anxiety when they launch from your home when they’re eighteen or whatever age they are because you’ve allowed them to grow up and take care of themselves.

I hope these phrases help. Visit me on my website at DrTimJordan.com. If you want to send me ideas for future episodes and that sort of thing. I love your feedback. I love my ideas about things that are important to you. I appreciate you stopping by here. Pass these on to your friends or anybody you know who has kids. I will see you back in the next episode. Thanks so much for stopping by. 

 

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