How Parents Can Know Their Daughter Is Ready For Social Media

Raising Daughters | Social Media

When is the right time to allow your daughters to go online and get on social media? Dr. Tim Jordan describes many examples of social behaviors your daughter needs to live out to show parents they are ready to try these fast-paced and overly complicated online platforms. He also reveals his recommended age for young girls to start using social media to ensure they get the most out of it without exposing them to serious harm.

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How Parents Can Know Their Daughter Is Ready For Social Media

I’m back here to talk to you about your daughters. I give lots of talks all over the world. I’ve been in 17 or 18 countries all over the United States. When people are hiring me, I always ask them, “What are the issues in your city? What are the issues in your school? What are the issues in your country that have to do with girls?” Almost always, the number one question that parents have is, “How do I know my daughter is ready for a cell phone or social media? At what age should I allow my daughter to get on social media?”

If I give a talk someplace, and we do Q&A, that’s almost always the number one question. I want to answer the question, “At what age is my daughter ready for social media?” I’m going to talk about that instead of phones. I’m going to talk about social media. At what age are they ready? I’m going to give you an age. I’m not going to do it at first. I’m going to wait until the end because there’s a lot more to it than just a number. Let me explain what I mean by that. At the end of this episode, I’ll give you actually an age.

First and foremost, social media, phones, all those things, any device, any new thing that your kids want, any new privilege, any new freedom, I think they should be earned with good behavior over time. Whether you’re talking about riding their bike farther down the street, whether you’re talking about them being able to stay up later, if it’s about them being able to go to sleep over at somebody’s house, if it’s about someday wearing a cell phone, whether it’s about being on social media, all those things, in my experience, are best given only when they’ve been earned. Any kid can fake good behavior for a few days or a week.

I think over time means a month of showing responsible, mature behavior with other things, maybe different than what they’re asking for, so they can prove to you that they’re ready. Number one, that puts the ball in their court, so they can show you with their behavior, “I’m ready for this next freedom, this next thing that I want.” It’s less about a power struggle, more about, “Show me.” “If you can show me over time that you have what it takes and you’re ready for this thing, then we’ll try it.” I’m going to talk about social readiness for social media. How are they ready socially for it? There are other categories that have parents look at, “Are they ready?”

Can They Handle Their Drama?

In this episode, I’ll talk about the social aspects. In subsequent episodes, I’ll talk about the other things because the social thing is huge. Most of the drama that happens with girls, between girls, doesn’t start, in my experience, on social media. It certainly gets amplified. It certainly spreads way further than it used to in the days when we didn’t have cell phones and social media and all that. A lot of times, it starts in person, in the hallways of school, on a soccer team. It happens in person, but then they take it to social media, and then it gets out of hand. First of all, are they able to handle their drama?

Are they enmeshed in drama? Are they constantly coming home with another story about how they’re being sucked into drama with a friend, with a friend group? If they’re enmeshed in all of that social drama without having devices and social media, then it’s going to get a lot worse if they get a phone or they get social media.

Has she been able to stay out of it? No girl stays out of drama forever. There’s stuff all around them. They’re going to school in a context where there’s just a lot of it because of insecurity, immaturity, playing for social power, all the reasons I’ve talked about in previous podcasts. It’s not like your daughter will never be around drama, but it’s more about, does she get sucked into it or does she cause it? There are a lot of girls who have learned to connect through drama, gossiping, and spreading rumors. If your daughter is one of those girls who is in that camp, then she’s not going to be able to handle the other parts of things like social media. I would want her to show me over time that she is extricating herself from that.

A lot of girls have learned to connect through drama, gossip, and spreading rumors. If your daughter is one of them, she will not be able to handle social media well. Share on X

She’s finding some healthier ways to connect. I see a lot of girls in my counseling practice who feel like they’re in between their two other good friends, their drama, their conflict, and they get sucked into it. They feel like they’re in the middle of it. I saw a girl, I’ll call her Emmy, and she was in that position where she was really stressed out. That’s why her parents brought her to see me. She was having a hard time sleeping, especially falling asleep, because she had so much on her mind. She felt so pulled. Her friends were calling her at nighttime.

Does She Have The Skills To Handle Conflicts?

She had a phone, unfortunately. Her friends were calling her and complaining about the other one and trying to get her to back them. That’s a really hard place to be. If your daughter is in the middle of all that stuff, I would talk to her about how she is handling herself. Is she able to set a boundary and say, “I’m not willing to take sides. I love both of you. I love you. I love the other person. I’m not willing to talk bad about her. I’m not willing to get in the middle of it. I love you, guys. Handle it. I would love to see you guys sit down and talk about it and handle it so that it’s no longer an issue when we’re together.” That’s one way she could show you socially that she’s ready because she knows how to handle herself with that kind of drama, if you will. If she’s involved in a conflict, does she have the skills to handle conflicts directly, effectively, and peacefully?

We were at a school, my wife and I, several years ago. We were teaching the girls in this class. I think they might have been fifth graders. We were teaching them skills about how to resolve conflicts peacefully. We call those courageous conversations at our camp and at our school program because it takes courage to stand up to someone, and confront them in a kind but firm way, if you will. Anyway, this one girl, I’ll call Laura, was upset with her friend Rachel because she had shared with Rachel that her brother was coming home from college that weekend. She was really excited. Her friend Rachel blew it off like, “Well, whatever,” and walked off. That hurt Lauren’s feelings because it was really important to her. We had them come together to do a conflict with each other.

Lauren shared that with Rachel. We had Rachel mirror it back so Lauren knew that Rachel heard her. When it was time for Rachel to share, she said it was really hard for her to hear about her brother coming home from college and how excited she was because her older brother was a senior in high school. This was the second semester of the school year. She was upset because she was already thinking about, “My brother’s going to be leaving in six months. I’m going to miss him so much.” It was really hard for her to talk about that and to hear about it, and then she started crying. Tears came down her cheeks.

That’s how sad she was already being. She was already sort of foreseeing, “It’s going to be hard for me next year as well.” Lauren mirrored her back and said, “I didn’t know that.” They made some commitments. Lauren said that she’d be more sensitive about talking about her brother, or she would even ask permission. She could say, “If something happened with my brother, can I share it? Are you okay? Are you in a good space to hear it?”

Rachel could say yes or no. Rachel committed to tell Lauren when she was open to hearing stuff about her brother being at college and all that kind of thing. They both felt good about it. They hugged, and they sat back in the circle. Does your daughter have those kinds of skills? If she doesn’t, what will happen is something happens that hurts her feelings or bothers her. She holds on to it. She’s afraid to confront her friends because she’s afraid her friend will get mad.

Her friend may turn her back on her. Her friend may leave her out. Her friend may get the whole rest of the group to leave her out. You lose a whole friend group. That happens all the time. What happens is girls stop it and act like it’s no big deal. The other girls say, “I was just kidding, no big deal.” It is a deal because those girls oftentimes hold on to the emotions.

We’ve been in so many situations with girls in camps and retreats and schools where this is months or years later, and they’re still holding this feeling, this grudge, if you will. They’ve been avoiding that girl, maybe doing little microaggressions like rolling their eyes at her and talking about her behind her back, all because there are still leftover emotions that she hasn’t handled. All those little microaggressions cause more drama, and here we go.

Can She Advocate For Herself?

If she can handle her conflicts directly and then really move on from it emotionally, if you will, that’s really helpful because it’ll keep her out of a lot of the dramas. Is she able to ask for what she wants and advocate for herself, speak up for herself, and speak up for her friends? Does she have that courage and that maturity? If you know your daughter has done that because she’s given you examples when she comes home from school and says, “Let me tell you what happened,” if you’ve been hearing some examples about her being a good advocate for herself, that’s a big check mark on her column of, “I might be ready for social media.”

If your daughter can handle her conflicts directly and move on from them emotionally, it will keep her out of a lot of drama. Share on X

If she’s not, then it’s a big check that she should develop more so. Can she make decisions, or does she make decisions so that people won’t be mad at her or that people won’t be disappointed in her, or because she wants people to like her? A lot of these things I’m bringing up, these social points, are really tough for girls in middle school and high school. It’s tough for adults, and nobody’s going to be perfect.

That’s why you’re looking for these readiness signs because if your daughter has a really hard time not doing things just to be liked or to please other people, then she’s putting herself at risk for doing things for other people and not herself, which is really unhealthy for her. She may make decisions based on what her friends are doing. She may be making decisions based on, “I want to fit in. I want to have a sense of belonging. I’m willing to give up things about myself. I’m willing to give up me in order to fit in.”

If you’re seeing examples of that, she’s going to have a really tough time on social media because there’s so much energy and so much pressure on social media to do just that. It’s so easy to add on to someone who’s talking bad about somebody or add on to a rumor because you want to fit in so much. You want to have some status, if you will. You want to have more friends on those platforms. That just tells me that they’re not ready. No girl is perfect, but if you’re seeing a lot of that kind of behavior from your daughter, then she’s telling you, “I may not be ready for this next step.”

I saw a girl a while ago. She was actually in early high school, and she had had a hard time making friends. She had finally found a group that she liked, but then there was a girl who was in her new high school who had Down syndrome. This girl befriended her, and her friends gave her grief about that. “Why are you hanging out with her? She’s weird,” and all this stuff. That really bothered her.

At first, she laughed about, “Yeah, you’re right,” but then she had a come-to-herself moment where she was like, “You know what? I don’t want to give up this friend. That’s not the right thing to do.” She told her friends, “You don’t have to like this girl if you don’t want to, but I do.” This girl felt so strongly, not just about this new friend she had who had Down syndrome, but also about a population of kids at school who had all kinds of issues with being mentally delayed or whatever, that she actually, in her junior year of high school, created a special prom for kids with special needs.

A lot of times, they felt really self-conscious about going to the regular prom. She got some friends together who also supported her, and they created a separate prom. It was so beautiful for these kids to dress up and feel like they were in high school. Has your daughter been able to show you that she can make decisions based on what’s right, as opposed to what everybody else is doing? This is a big one.

Does she worry too much about what other people think, and thus change her behavior, change herself, maybe even change her values or morals, and start doing naughty things? I had a girl, I’ll call her Kavita. When I saw her at one of our retreats, she dressed down a lot. She didn’t wear makeup. This is a girl who was about 14 or 15. Most of her friends did, and she didn’t care. She was wearing baggy clothes and went to school in sweats and stuff. Some of her friends gave her grief about that, like, “Why was she wearing those clothes?”

Does She Compare Herself Too Much?

They teased her. She’s like, “I don’t care. I like to be comfortable.” I love girls who have that courage to be able to say, “I don’t care what you think. This is what I feel comfortable with, and so I’m going to do it.” If your daughter can show you examples of her having that maturity and that strength, it would make you feel better about maybe allowing her to try social media. Does she compare herself too much? Every girl compares herself to other people.

I think, in my experience, we do it as adults. I’ve talked on previous podcasts about mirror neurons in our brains that always watch other people and see what they’re doing. We want to have a sense of belonging. Our brain is saying, “These are the social norms,” and all that. You’ve read this before. The problem with comparing yourself isn’t just that we do it because we all do it. It’s whether or not you compare yourself and then allow that to mean, “I’m ugly. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m awkward. I’m socially awkward. I don’t fit. What’s wrong with me?” If you’re allowing that to cause you to make those kinds of decisions about yourself, that’s going to affect your behavior and how you show up. You’re going to be really vulnerable to changing yourself to fit in.

If you’re comparing yourself to the point where you don’t like yourself, you think that you’re not pretty enough, that you’re not good enough, all that. I think you can listen to your daughter when she talks about herself to get a sense of does she have good self-talk or is she cutting herself down a lot? Does she have a lot of negative self-talk, a lot of self-criticism? If you’re hearing her say things like, “I’m so stupid,” or, “Everybody else is prettier than me,” or, “I wish I wasn’t so short,” if you’re hearing her make those kinds of comments, she’s telling you, “I’m taking those comparisons to heart. I’m starting to decide if I’m okay, not by checking in with myself, but by checking outside, by looking at other people.”

If you’re doing that at school, if you’re doing that with the other people in your peer group that you hang out with, guess what? If you get on social media platforms, you’re going to be so overwhelmed because then you’re going to be comparing yourself to people all over the world, and they’re going to be showing you all these photographs that aren’t really true, but you’re going to feel like they’re true, and then you’re going to be a wreck.

A lot of girls I see who are anxious and depressed, that’s one of the main causes. It’s not the only cause, but it’s a big one. If your daughter is doing that, if she is allowing herself to assess herself based on other people and comparing herself to others, that’s a huge red flag for me that she’s not ready for social media. I saw a girl several years ago, who was in, I think, eighth grade. I’ll call her Sydney. She came in because she had been a little bit down and stressed. When I talked to her by herself, she spoke about how her best friend group had changed. A couple of the girls had been sneaking alcohol and drinking it at sleepovers.

If your daughter assesses herself based on other people’s opinions, it is a huge sign that they are not ready for social media yet. Share on X

The whole group had become really boy-crazy. She was just not ready for that. It didn’t feel right to her. They were engaging in behaviors that she felt weren’t okay. When she was with them, she would laugh along with things and all that. She didn’t drink, but it made her feel out of integrity with herself. I remember she actually came to one of my weekend retreats in eighth grade, and she talked about this and showed some emotion about it because it was hard. She was worried about losing her friends, a huge concern for all girls in middle and high school. However, after talking to us and getting some feedback from other girls, she decided that she was going to set a boundary with her friends.

She let them know that she liked them, that she wanted to hang out with them, but she wasn’t comfortable with them drinking or smoking weed around her. What happened was she lost the friend group. Her fear came true. For a while, she was without a group. That’s a tough place to be for any of us, much less if you’re a middle school or high school girl. She had the courage to do that because she knew it was wrong to do what they were doing. She stood up for herself and made a decision based on her integrity as opposed to what everybody else was doing.

Can She Set Firm Boundaries?

She eventually found some friends who matched her values. It didn’t take her very long. She was a really cool, mature kid, as you can tell by the story. I want to know if girls have the courage, the maturity to be able to not give up themselves to fit in and to be able to take a stand and make tough choices. I’m looking for girls. I’m looking to see if girls have the ability to set clear, firm boundaries, which is really hard for a lot of girls. In our weekend retreats and school programs, sometimes we will do role plays with girls, especially in middle school, late grade school, and middle school. We’ll have a role play, girls setting boundaries with a friend.

Raising Daughters | Social Media

We have them do it the way they’ve noticed people do it, and then when we stop the role play, we’ll say, “Do you think she was being mean because she said she didn’t want to act that way or she didn’t like what they were doing?” Most girls say, “Yes, that’s mean,” or, “Yes, that’s too aggressive,” but in reality, it’s not. It’s a girl setting a normal, healthy boundary for herself. Girls interpret that as being mean because they’re worried that if they do that, the others are going to be mad at them. If they’re mad at them, they may not want to be friends anymore. That’s oftentimes the underlying fear. They have to get over that hump and understand that setting boundaries is not being mean. It’s healthy.

It’s really good for you and the other person. There was a girl I saw not too long ago. She’s a junior in high school. She had a boyfriend for a couple of years. He was becoming more and more aggressive with her, even pushing her around a little bit. One time, he slapped her face. Prior to this behavior, he had been, in her words, “Dumping on me.”

There were a lot of problems in his family. His dad was cheating on his mom and then his dad became verbally abusive to her boyfriend. All kinds of stuff. Her parents were separated and got back together. He was calling her at night, upset. He said, “You’re the only person I can talk to.” He would go on and on for hours, sometimes calling her at midnight or 1:00 in the morning.

She always took his calls. It was draining her. That’s really draining to have someone, a friend, do that, much less a boyfriend. The reason she kept listening was because it made her feel good to be there for him. She liked having a boyfriend, and she felt bad for him. She’s a very caring, empathetic person. It was extremely unhealthy for her. I asked her if she ever thought about letting him know that she didn’t want to be his therapist, if you will. She got upset, like, “Yes, but I don’t want to lose him. I think that would be mean.” She got really upset with all that. I had to explain to her that not only would it be a good thing for her to set that boundary with him, that she’s not his therapist, but that he needs to talk to his parents, which he said he can’t do, or talk to a therapist which he had, up to that time, refused to do.

What he needed was to have a therapist, or someone, a counselor or someone to talk to, an adult who’s trained to deal with someone who’s going through that trauma, not talking to a sixteen-year-old girlfriend. It would be in his best interest for him to do that. Her being there for him so much may have been getting in the way of him actually having to look outside of her.

It would be really healthy for her because she was being drained. She was way over her head. My point is that it’s really hard for girls to set clear, firm, healthy boundaries because of all the fears they have about it being mean. “Will it hurt the other person? Will they be mad at me?” all that. If you’re going to get on social media, you’re going to have to set some really firm, clear boundaries with what you watch, with what people say, with not joining in, with standing up for a friend, all those kinds of things. It’s really important, online and even offline, for her to take care of herself.

It is really hard for girls to set clear, firm, and healthy boundaries because of all the fears they have about it. Share on X

These are all examples of things that you can look for socially in your daughter that would let you know she might be ready for the next step in her technology world, i.e., social media. I told you at the beginning that I was going to let you know about an age when I think girls are ready when parents want to push me. “At what age?” I first tell them all the signs I noticed that they can notice when their daughters are ready.

What I tell them is this, and I’ve been saying this for years. I don’t think girls are ready for phones until they’re in high school. I don’t think girls are ready for social media until they’re halfway through high school, sixteen-ish, and have a really good track record with the things I’ve just talked about, plus others which I will discuss in subsequent podcasts. If you’re seeing a lot of red flags in these social areas that I talked about, then that tells me I don’t care how old she is. She’s not going to handle it well. She’s not handling these things outside of social media, and social media is going to amp up the pressure and amp up all that stuff to the point where it’s going to be really overwhelming for her. If she’s overwhelmed without it, she’s going to be uber-overwhelmed with it.

I think a general age is mid-high school, but only with a good track record over time. I would even say to your daughters, I would read these out to her. I would talk about them and say, “I’m going to be looking for examples of how you’re taking care of yourself. Come and tell me. If you’re having an issue with a friend or some drama, if you come to me and say, ‘This is going on and this is how I think I want to handle it, what do you think?’ If you can show me examples about how you’ve walked away from a group and made a decision different than your group, all these things, set a good boundary. If you can show me examples, tell me examples of that, that is going to allow me to feel better about you trying the next step with social media.”

Episode Wrap-up

You can put the ball in her court. If you can show responsible, mature, courageous social behaviors, then you’re telling me that you might be ready to try it. I hope that helps. I bet every one of you reading this has had this question on your mind, and your daughters have been pushing you to get on social media. I think this is one area where you can put the ball back in their court and say, “Here’s what I need to see in you. Here’s what I’m looking for that would tell me you’re ready. I don’t care if all your friends have it. I don’t care if you’re 30 years old. It’s not about an exact age. It’s not about a grade in school. It’s not about everybody else. It’s about, are you ready? Have you shown me with your behavior over time?”

Maybe even read this episode with your daughter, and hopefully, it’ll raise lots of questions so you can talk about it. She can give you some examples about her behaviors that may be in her stead. This would be a good one to spread to your friends. Send this one to your friends because all of them have this on their minds. Every parent I talk to is worried about this. Let your friends know this might be helpful for them. In the near future, I will do a couple of other episodes, at least one, with some other signs of readiness for social media, but this was a big one. Maybe start with this one. I’ll be back here with you again next time with a brand-new topic, a new episode. Send me ideas at my wife’s email at Anne@DrTimJordan.com. Send me ideas, topics that you would like me to talk about, or questions you have that you’d like for me to answer on these podcasts. Thanks so much for stopping by. I’ll see you back here next time.

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