Does your preteen or teenage daughter ever suffer with negative self-talk? Get overwhelmed by ruminating worst case scenarios about her friendships and feelings? Do you as her parent ever feel helpless about how to best support her? Then this episode is for you!
Girls can learn to just notice any negative or anxious thoughts in a more detached way, notice where they feel associated emotions in their bodies that arise with these thoughts, and then use tools to allow the thoughts to pass thru them more quickly. Dr. Jordan discusses some breathing techniques and the use of mantras to cope with negative self-talk.
Dr. Jordan also describes how even though we aren’t in charge of negative thoughts popping in our heads, once they are there, we ARE in charge of whether or not we believe them and allow them to build to overwhelm. He uses the following axiom to describe this process: Bird nest in your head. We are not in charge of whether or not negative or anxious thoughts pop up in our heads, but we are in charge of whether or not we let them build a nest.
For more information on Dr. Jordan’s personal growth weekend retreats and summer camps, go to his website at Camp Weloki.
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A Bird Nest On Your Head? Teach Your Daughter How To Be In Charge Of Their Negative Self-Talk
I have an interesting topic. If you have a daughter who’s in late grade school, middle school, and/or high school and beyond, every one of you probably at some point have faced a daughter who has a lot of negative self-talk, girls who can’t seem to get out of their heads, girls who ruminate things, or worse case. It’s hard for parents to know how to support their daughters. You’ve come to the right place.
A Little Girl’s Story
I’m going to start with a story on this episode. I’m going to end with one of my favorite metaphors that you and your daughter can carry with you to help them stay out of their heads in a negative way. Let me start first with the story. This is an old wise story about this little girl who was having problems with all kinds of negative self-talk in her head. She would discourage herself and get down on herself. She went to her grandfather and told him what was going on.
Her grandfather said, “I had the very same thing that goes on in my head. It’s like I have two wolves in my head. One of them is very positive, encouraging, and optimistic but there’s this other wolf that’s very negative and discouraging. It’s critical and pessimistic and those two wolves are always fighting to see which ones are going to win out.” The granddaughter said, “Grandfather, which one of the wolves wins?” The grandfather said, “The wolf that wins out is the one that I feed the most.” There’s a lot of wisdom in that when it comes to our self-talk.
The one we feed the most, which one do we focus on the most? Which one do we believe the most? It’s even harder to discern that and stay out of that rumination because the information comes in from so many places. Once girls get on their social media and all those things, there are so many opinions and so much stuff that comes in that muddles their heads about what is the truth and what is my truth. It’s hard for girls sometimes to fight through all of that.
Fighting The Negative Wolf
I used to talk about this two-wolves story and talk about whichwolf you feed, which I still think is important. I also want girls to not fight that negative wolf. Not just judge it so negatively because of things that we end up being upset with or frustrated with and all that. It ends up getting bigger. There was a study that was done in a university some years back. Where they took a classroom, I think it was psychology majors. They divided them randomly into two classrooms.
The things we end up being upset and frustrated with end up getting bigger. Share on XIn one classroom, the professor said, “It’s time for the weekend. I want you to go home and as much as you can, think about White bears all weekend long,” then he sent them off. He went to the other classroom, he said, “This weekend, I want you to not think about White bears. No matter what and we’ll come back on Monday and see how you did.” He sent them off.
When the two classrooms came back on that following Monday. Guess which group thought about White bears more? It was the one that was trying not to think about White bears. That is because we think when we mark something like that, like trying so hard not to think about something. In essence, we give our brain some information that says, “This must be important,” because you’re focusing on this. You’re intense about this. “I need to pay more attention to this,” and that’s why, oftentimes, we have a hard time shaking those negative thoughts.
We give them too much credence. I don’t tell girls to judge those thoughts. I don’t want them to be frustrated by it. I want to notice the thoughts. That’s the key, to notice those thoughts when they pop into their heads without judgment and without giving them any energy. Notice. Say to themselves inside their heads, “There’s that thought again saying that I’m not as pretty as these other people.” There’s a thought that says, “I’m not good enough or something.”
Breathing Exercises
I always tell the girls, as you’re thinking about that to remind themselves, “I’ve had that thought in my head thousands of times. No matter what, it eventually passes through. What can I do to help it pass through a little quicker?” In a very mindful way and in a very detached mindful way to notice the thoughts, is so critical. I also teach girls in my retreats and camps how to not notice the thoughts, but also the feelings that come with those thoughts and if they feel those feelings in their bodies.
If you have thought about not being good enough or not being cool enough or people don’t like me. Oftentimes, it comes with feelings of being discouraged, hurt, sad or lonely. Now, I asked the girls, “Where do you feel those feelings in your body?” They can always identify it if they get themselves slowed down enough. “It might be a feeling in my stomach.” “It might be a tightening in my chest.” “I get a tightness in my throat.” They’ll feel it someplace in their body. Sometimes girls will say, “I feel it in my heart.”
I’ll tell them, “Notice that feeling in your body for a moment. Do some slow breathing and put your focus on that part.” Again, in a very unattached and unemotional way. Notice that feeling. We do that for just a moment or so. Oftentimes, the body’s symptom goes away. You breathe through it. The same thing happens with their thoughts. Those thoughts come up and they just go, “There’s that thought. That’s interesting. I wonder why it popped up. It’s okay. I know this thought. It’s like an old friend. I also know from past experience this is not true. The fear I have in that thought almost never comes true. I know that from lots of experience.”
Don’t give it too much energy. Notice it and say, “Here you go.” What typically happens is the thought eventually passes through a little quicker. I teach girls to do some slow breathing. Breathe in for five seconds. Hold it. Breathe out for five seconds. Concentrate on breathing just in and out their nose because when we do that breathing, that’s just one example of many. When you’re so focused with your eyes closed and out your noses and you’re counting the breath five seconds in. Holding it and five seconds out. You’re totally in your body in the present moment.
In the present moment, it’s all okay. It’s all good. That thing you’re fearing might happen down the road someplace. At this moment, it’s all good. You bring your soap back to the moment. That slow deep breathing also tells the brain, “This is one of those safe times. Not a dangerous time. I don’t feel threatened when I breathe like this. When I feel threatened, I breathe fast. I breathe shallow but this slow calm rhythmic breathing is. That’s what happens when I’m safe.”
We can fool our brains into thinking that things are safe. I teach girls to repeat mantras. I have had a lot of girls in the past week or so, who are halfway through their first year in college who were calling for business because they’re anxious. They’re having a tough time coping with the transition. A lot of uncertainty, change, and some anxiety. They haven’t found their best friends yet. They get overwhelmed, if you will. I have them do the same thing.
I had them just notice those thoughts that come into their head and do some slow deep breathing and find a mantra to repeat to themselves until those thoughts drift away. A mantra like I am safe. It’s only change. I got this. It’s okay. I’m in transition. I’ll get through it. Relax. Breathe. I’m safe. It’s just change. They do that for a few minutes and typically, they’re back.
A Bird’s Nest On Your Head
Mantras and breathing are great ways to not feed that negative wolf, defeat the positive wolf, and also do a reality check within yourself if you will. Let me finish off with one of my very favorite metaphors that I promised you at the beginning. The thing is, we’re not in charge of what thoughts pop into our head and your daughter is not in charge of what thoughts pop into her head. Sometimes, there’s an obvious trigger. They see their ex-boyfriend and all of a sudden, these emotions and thoughts come up. A test is coming up. It could be that they’re going to try out for a play, so they get some anxious thoughts.
Sometimes, there’s an obvious trigger but sometimes there’s not. Sometimes it just comes into our heads, especially when you’re a preteen teenage girl. They have so much stuff going on. Here’s the metaphor, “We’re not in control of whether or not a bird lands on our head but we are in control of whether or not we allow it to build a nest.” Repeat that. Once those thoughts are there, your daughter can develop some tools like we talked about so that they don’t allow that thought to breed into lots more thoughts, and all of a sudden, they’re overwhelmed and have a panic attack or whatever.
Episode Wrap-up
Once they notice it, they can shift through it. Let those thoughts come through, notice them, pass through them and then they’re back. Think about the two wolves story. Teach your daughter not to judge the wolf. Only to notice it. Notice those negative thoughts that come into their head. Talk to themselves in a gentle way. Not in a discouraged way and a frustrated way because then like that white bear study. Our brain gets more keyed into the thought and we can’t not think about it until we very gently and in a detached way, notice the thoughts talk to ourselves.
Remind ourselves we’ve had those thoughts before. They always pass through. Do some slow breathing. Repeat a mantra and then remind yourself. They can remind themselves that they’re in charge of whether or not that thought builds a nest in their head. That gives them a tremendous sense of confidence so they’re not at the mercy of their negative self-talk anymore like they were before.
Children must learn to remind themselves that they are in charge of their own thoughts. This can give them a tremendous sense of confidence, and they will not be at the mercy of their negative self-talk. Share on XI hope this helps. This might be a good one to read with your daughter. As I say, sometimes, I’ll be back here with a brand-new episode. Also, if you have ideas for future episodes, let me know. Email me at Anne@DrTimJordan.com. That’s my wife’s website. I’m going to start doing some episodes like this which are a little shorter because some people have said they liked some of the longer ones, but they also like it sometimes when they’re only 5 or 10 minutes. I’m going to do a mixture. Let me know if you like that. I’ll be back. Thanks so much for stopping by.