I have formulated a new groundbreaking theory of evolution that is going to put Darwin’s theory to rest. In my book about adolescent girls I described how the wiring of the female brain contributed to girl’s relationship aggressions and negative self-talk. I now put forward my hypothesis that humans evolved not just from primates but also from a myriad of creatures, large and small, which explains the reasons behind their behaviors.
Let’s start with politicians. Candidates who have acted like asses this campaign season must have evolved from donkeys, whereas those who continually duck the issues developed from… ducks. Donald Trump’s use of fowl language points to him having evolved from a line of birds, perhaps buzzards. No one has been willing to stick their necks out and be forthright, so I guess no giraffe descendants, although I’ve noticed a few offspring from turkeys and weasels in the debates.
Incompetent Physicians, i.e. quacks, came up through the duck chain, and people described as birdbrains or cuckoo obviously can trace their ancestral lines back to fowl. Folks who don’t give a hoot about anything evolved from the owl family, and those who are a bit batty from… bats. Your neighbor who acts a little squirrely actually came directly from squirrels, and those who go ape after their team scores a goal, from primates. Pompous individuals who are unbearable to be around must have grizzlies in their background,
How about gossipy, catty girls? Felines. If they are not yet teenagers, kittens. Awkward middle school boys who act sheepish of course evolved from rams, and meek individuals who are a bit mousy developed from mice. Determined kids who are dogged in their pursuit of victory come from a long line of pooches, while spoiled kids who badger parents for candy in the checkout line… badgers of course. How about friends who love to horse around, but when it comes time to pay the restaurant bill they never pony up? That’s a sure sign of an equine pedigree. Is my theory making more sense now?
Let’s not leave out those creatures that crawled out of the ocean to become humans. People who love having a whale of a good time must have evolved from humpbacks, and those who don’t give a hell-about-anything come from the halibut family. Creeps who seem a bit fishy get a pass because of their fish heritage, whereas people who follow their dreams and have a purpose in life must have evolved from, you got it, the porpoise.
So from now on instead of judging people because of their behaviors, remember that they are just the product of thousands of years of evolution. See them through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Then look in the mirror and determine which tree you fell out of.